Tuesday, 3 January 2012

Coward, Wise Or Just Plain Stupid?

When you read of gender dysphoria in the press, they usually do a delightful job of stating how much abuse we (though I'm not out... So I don't really count I suppose?) go through, the hyperinflated rates of suicide and similar doom and gloom. This is good in a sympathy sense, as it builds up an understanding between people and us, which can only work in our favour!
The problem is that we don't want sympathy (or at least I don't). We want firm, positive action. We want exactly the same rights as everyone else. We want to hold our heads high in the street. We want to be ourselves in mainstream society. But we cannot. It is too risky, some people don't like to see it apparently. (My spelling is dire tonight, sorry).
A common argument used is that wheras it is perfectly OK for a female to wear trousers, it isn't ok for a bloke to wear a skirt... Surely this is slighy missing the point?
My main complaint (yes, I'm moaning again, but as and when I transition I will put loads of happy posts up.), is that people regard us as freaks of nature, as though we are suffering from a disease. I suppose it is mildly similar to being a leper in the 1800s- isolated from society through no fault of your own- people will not understand, nor accept, without educating the public. The goverment seems to not want to know, with reductions in planned Trans policies in the recent cutbacks. To put that into perspective, imagine ignoring the rights of Jehovah Witnesses in the UK, because of the cutbacks... Oh, hold on a minute, there would be international uproar, ethically and politically. See what I did there? The Goverment doesn't seem to care.
When I read the stories of girls and boys, my age and younger, who have come out of school as their desired gender, it always shocks me! How did they manage that? Why isn't their name inscribed in granite, for the pressure, taunts, jeers they must be under is immense. They are braver souls than me, and I'll wager braver than you too (though if some super-power ranger of a military somewhere is reading this, I do apologise :).
I would LOVE to come out. In a way it would be the most amazing thing that could happen to me.

Then reality smacks me back to sense. If I am not out, and not really camp, and get the 'FAG!', 'BUM HIM!' and other choice words... Then what hope have I got?

Perhaps an all-boys school for monetary reasons for Mum & Dad wasn't such a good idea.
Oh well, cricket season soon xD


Billie xxx

Ps. Watch Burlesque, my new FAVOURITE FILM XD <3
PSS. If I had been this focused earlier I wouldn't have a 25 mark Geog essay to do before school. ;)

Tuesday, 11 October 2011

Making the best of a strange dimension :)

Wow. The first few weeks of sixth form have been a bit of a bumpy ride, to say the least! The first two weeks were great; I've made loads of new friends, became reacquainted with a few old friends, and even made a lot of Girl friends, so that has been great. The work at A-Level is nowhere near as hard as I had anticipated yet- English Language is relatively 'hard' because it is new, completely different from GCSEs. Geography and History, on the other hand, are relatively easy. So far it has just been adding to knowledge I already had, or at least the new stuff is intetesting. There is a lot of essays mind, but hey- practice makes perfect! Psychology, however, is really, really strange. I honestly swear that the work in Psychology is of an apparent low quality, but that is all that is required it seems at the moment. I know that some took Psych as a 'doss', but having taking it with a view to potentially study it at Uni, the work seems almost childish compared to the standard required in History, for example. Food for thought. I almost wish I had taken Politics or even (gasp) Economics!
The past two weeks could be described as a 'hazing' of sorts I suppose. People have been testing how I react to certain comments, mostly around the Gay area- At the end of the day, despite the slightly masculine act I have to put on at school, it really doesn't affect me, as only I know how stupid they are being- that sort off stuff doesn't wind me up. To be honest 'You have a feminine voice'- Yeah, your point is? Haha :) Not that I said that really...
One thing I really, really miss is being able to be femme for a while at home every now and again, but now Dad's business has expanded slightly, so there are constantly people trapsing past my bedroom, which is extremely unnerving when applying mascara, it has to be said!
Dad has also said that If I want to sell my airsoft gear, I have to use it more- despite having bought it myself. I've been a few times recently to achieve this with a male friend, and then proceeded to tear a quadracrep, pull my hamstring and have potentially slightly fractured something above the knee, but I doubt that somehow, despite the initial plaster cast by the ever caring NHS. :) I want to sell it to fund clothes and things! Of course, if I so much exclaim a word in protestation I get in trouble for answering back- It is apparently impossible to explain something to my parents, or indeed speak to them anymore, without an argument breaking out over something! Mum also makes all these little nasty comments about my Trans-ness, which are most unhelpful and sometimes humiliating. Life goes on.

I miss three teachers from my old school a lot- it could be said that after a while at my old school, you took the close student-teacher relationship for granted, something that is very different here. My old Geography teacher never knew about me, but she was a wonderful person and a genuinely enthusiastic, great teacher. I have never seen anyone so excited about Volcanic eruptions since!
My French teacher was also superb- how on earth she managed to get me an A in French I will never know. She was really supportive, and knew almost everything... I tried to deny my sexuality, but hey, that didn't last long :). The best languages teacher I've ever had, by a country mile, and easily one of the most caring.
My History/English/Media/PSHE teacher was another inspiration. Her words of kindness and clear judgment have guided me through some fairly dark times, to say the least. I hope to keep in contact with them for a long time in the future- IfI remember correctly, just after the end of year 12 :) Unfortunately, the group she suggested I get in touch with is headed by a glaswegian whom I can barely understand, let alone talk about Trans issues with.
In conrast, The teachers at my new school sit back and make you work from a textbook, apart from the female Geography and History teachers funnily enough.
ANYWAY, plans are afoot! Me and an old friend are going to go shopping in Milton Keynes... And a sleepover hopefully :) I just want to go all out for the first time in ages, all the way, from make-up to dresses to shaved legs etc and probably watch Mean Girls or a similar chick flick. It will be great fun! :)
I sort of know where to go from this point as well, I'm going to get in touch with Mermaids, and see what they can do for me, and in turn, what I can do for them. I fancy running a marathon, and that would give me a reason to (just don't mention the amount of Subways I've consumed recently! They are sooooo good but so damn unhealthy!)
I am having the best times of my life at the moment- I have a social life again, admittedly not as Billie, but hey. All in good time. Then again, I still have that chronic disyrust of boys... I suppose I'm almost a 'man' now, a thoroughly depressing thought.

But that, could be another story ;)


Sunday, 11 September 2011


I've finally managed to remember my password and get a new keyboard! Sorted at last :)

Anyway, I had my GCSE results a few weeks back, and did batter than I could have hoped for, with 3 A*, 3 As and 4 Bs, which means that I have actually overqualified at something for once, which is a great feeling! 
I think that, considering how ill I was, they are some pretty darn good grades! I was really pleased with my English Language, History and French grades though, how I achieved an A in French I will never know! I'll tell you one thing, I wouldn't have been anywhere near without a certain two excellent teachers (Thank you!!!)! The olny other bit of notable news of interest is that I have equalled the clubs record for the highest amount of not-outs by any player- drawing with our India A international. Which is cool :D 

Anyway, I have started at my new Sixth Form,  and OMG, it is amazing!!!! You can go into town for Lunch (roll on Subway :), there are (lots) of nice boys :P, and it is all very... open there. Everyone fits in, and everyone is genuinely a nice guy, with no exceptions, there are no super caveman style lads there either :) I think it is perfect. The A-Levels I have taken, English Language, Psychology, Geography and History are all really interesting, particularly psychology, which is awesome!!! 
  On the Trans front, I have been able to do VERY little, because I have had to look after my brother all summer, which wasn't ideal at all. However, it has provided a lot of thinking time I suppose. These next two years are going to rock though, seriously :D
I can't wait :)


Monday, 27 June 2011


My god, it is absolutely roasting! I had to play cricket in it all day on Sunday, absolute nightmare- but I haven't burned, just tanned... It's a miracle! :D
I've ended up doing lots of 'manly' things with very little time at all to be Billie unfortunately, but I am going to have make sure that changes soon!
Very little is happening, which really frustrates me at the moment. I can't be myself at all- not even a little bit of make-up, because my parents are now effectively working from home, which is a pain. Where there is a will, there's a way though! :)
How cute is John Barrowman anyway? He is just... amazing! <3 I'm going to have to go and see him whenever he is touring :).
I had an awkward (for me at least) moment at school- my (male) form tutor told me that he knows, and that he would support me in anyway possible.  This is obviously interesting news, but to be honest, I feel like I've left my current school now, and have no desire to go back really, I'm coping and getting more confident with time. It is a great offer, but I just want to let things 'pan out' for a while, to see where a natural course will take me. However, it set-off alarm bells though- how much does he know? How does he know?
To be honest though- I don't want to know how he knows etc... It will just potentially spoil what I have at the moment, which is obviously (very) special to me.
I need to get those heels from New Look, they were really, really pretty :). That just sounds crude but... Its true :)

Its a long summer, with a lot to look forward to hopefully! :)

Don't get too badly burnt! :P

Saturday, 18 June 2011

Closing Sequence

Well, that's it.
GCSEs completely finished. School finished. Just results day left.
I know that, by rights,  I should be really happy, be celebrating, partying and all that jazz.

But I've just left my friends (and dare I say it, my only real friends) behind. I've just left those who knew Billie behind. I will try to keep in touch of course, but I am terrible at meeting people. I'll miss the knowing looks, the note passing, the little quips, advice, friendly banter, physical help, make-up smuggling... But mostly I will miss them as people. By god I'll miss them. If I helped them in a way even mildly comparable to anything they have done for me, I will be proud. I just don't want to let them go!
I just feel absolutely terrible. I can't believe-no, I refuse to believe that that's it. I just doesn't seem like an end- it seems far, far too soon! :(
What happens next? Cricket-which I have no choice in. Airsoft- Which I will only do once with any luck this summer. and then... nothing I guess. I am going to, at sometime during the extended break, escape, and simply be Billie for a day or two, alone perhaps. Gather my thoughts, work out a plan of action for sixth form, assuming I make the grades, that is.
                        How I'll manage there is anyone's guess. I guess I'll have to start getting to know people a bit better throughout the village perhaps- but there is no-one I know here, bar one whom I don't want to spoil the relationship we have already, who I trust well enough- or even know well enough, to tell. I guess I'm flying solo for a while
                Empty Chairs At Empty Tables, Where My Friends Will Meet No More. .

Act 1 Scene 4 Closes.

Thursday, 16 June 2011

Last Day Tomorrow!

Well, this is it.
The last exam tomorrow. I'm not really nervous about it- it will be tough but it should be OK.
What I am nervous is leaving everyone behind and going to an all-boys school!
My closer friends have been a great help these past few weeks, and it really pains me to part from them. Whether there will be tears, I don't know- but as a group, and as individuals, we've been through  fair bit together, and I really don't want to let that go. All good things must come to an end I guess, but it just feels too soon, far too soon!
                 Who will I have to turn to at my next school? I've never even considered telling a boy. I just don't want to, I feel more secure with a girl/lady knowing, I don't know why though. I'll miss them as people, friends, confidants and almost like siblings- we've been together (most of us) for at least 4 years in a class of only 14, so it's going to be , quite seriously, heart breaking to move away. Some I will never have to see again, but others I just don't want to let go! :(
     Anyway, I'm going to New Look to buy some shoes etc soon, and then maybe a few other bits and bobs from around the Bullring :)!
                    I'm a bit worried about my lack of weight at the moment- I'm getting rather thin in an unhealthy-ish way... I'm eating all I can, but the diet does not help one bit! Add to the fact that I am playing a fair bit of Cricket at the moment, and you start to get the appearance of a horribly masculine athletic physique. AAAARRRGHHHH!!! At least I'll look decent mid-season I guess, in a male way!
               Shaving you legs is the best thing EVER, period :D ! Its so refreshing, and feminizing in a way that just relaxes me a bit, makes me feel more at ease. Of course I'm running the risk of being caught out by a fellow cricketer (no pun intended, they are usually better than that anyway), which would be quite awkward I guess... 'Yeah, they're great for acceleration, really give me an aerodynamic edge'...

All good things must come to an end I suppose!

'Empty Chairs At Empty Tables... Where my friends will sing no more'.

Chin up, at least that will be GCSEs out the way...
Magners and fingers crossed in order I think :).

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Good Times :)

God knows how many down, one to go! So close to finishing GCSEs now :). Hopefully the last Geography paper will be nowhere near as hard as that History paper, that was a fairly impressive piece of horrible questions!

It was the school's 'Prom' sort of thing last Saturday, which was held at a friend's house instead of a restraunt or something, but it was a great night nonetheless!!! For us lads, it was the usual bland suit/tie affair, but the girls... They seriously looked absolutely stunning, all of them- celebrities had nothing on them! The dresses were amazing too, and trust me when I say that they raised a few eyebrows! After all the adults had left we had a fair bit of alcohol though, I swear I was the only one sober all night (I would have but I had a cricket game in the morning), although Smirnoff Ice proved to be fairly irresistible after a while. One thing the night did  was partially confirm my suspicions about my sexuality- given all the grinding/kissing/ god knows what else going on, I think It's fairly safe to say that I prefer men. Which is a massive contradiction given my earlier posts, but then again, I guess I was more ashamed to admit that to myself than the other stuff! It would also make sense as a few people, including my own mother thought that I was gay to start off with, so I guess I wanted to realise that alone without being told etc. I have done now though, although somehow I don't think I'll start shouting it down the street!
                  I've spent ages recently trying to mould myself to have some sort of musical style, but I guess i can't really find one that fits, I just like the odd song, here and there. One thing I love though is the Musical Theatre! I can't wait to go down to London to see Les Miserables, Chicago and Hairspray some time, but at the moment, 'Les Cages Aux Folles' and 'Funny Girls' (at the recommendations of a Teacher :)) . They both seem to be outrageous Drag/Cabaret shows, and they look like great fun :)! If only I could sing again :).
John Barrowman (<3) was on 'Les Cages Aux Folles' only last year, so I'm  a bit annoyed I missed him... He is just... awesome :) Ahhhhhhhhhh....
               Mum seems to be much more comfortable with the whole thing now, or at least she hasn't asked anymore about the make-up... I really don't want to talk about it to her though in case I ruin what I have at the moment, which is a bit of a 'Don't ask, Don't tell' system... It would be great to actually have a larger chance to do make-up properly again, unfortunately I don't seem to get any time alone at the moment, but that sould change with the advent of the long summer break! I WILL go and buy some more stuff too, I've gotten past buying stuff now, so I should be ok... I will still need to hide clothes etc though :(.
               I think there are some good times approaching though, I've had an offer of going to a friend's house to simply be Billie for a while, which would be AMAZING!!! :) Her/Their Mum is really, really cool with it too, and has done a lot for me and is quite easily the kindest, most lovely adult I know on a personal level- in fact their entire family has done loads for me recently :). Hopefully this won't change with the changing of schools that is soon to occur. In fact I won't let it, I probably need them more than I let on.
              From the musical 'Les Cages Aux Folles' comes the song 'I am What I am'- which in my opinion is simply the best song ever... It is very relevant to myself, and every GBLT community member really...
If you were to YouTube the David Barrowman/David Engel/George Hearn version you'll d know what I mean. David Barrowman is naturally rather pretty/handsome anyway, but in Drag , he looks rather (very) good!

'Life's not worth a damn, till you can say : Hey World, I am What I am' :)
 (Which is very, very true).

Anyway, I'm off to have another go at smoky eyes... Wish me luck :)