Wow. The first few weeks of sixth form have been a bit of a bumpy ride, to say the least! The first two weeks were great; I've made loads of new friends, became reacquainted with a few old friends, and even made a lot of Girl friends, so that has been great. The work at A-Level is nowhere near as hard as I had anticipated yet- English Language is relatively 'hard' because it is new, completely different from GCSEs. Geography and History, on the other hand, are relatively easy. So far it has just been adding to knowledge I already had, or at least the new stuff is intetesting. There is a lot of essays mind, but hey- practice makes perfect! Psychology, however, is really, really strange. I honestly swear that the work in Psychology is of an apparent low quality, but that is all that is required it seems at the moment. I know that some took Psych as a 'doss', but having taking it with a view to potentially study it at Uni, the work seems almost childish compared to the standard required in History, for example. Food for thought. I almost wish I had taken Politics or even (gasp) Economics!
The past two weeks could be described as a 'hazing' of sorts I suppose. People have been testing how I react to certain comments, mostly around the Gay area- At the end of the day, despite the slightly masculine act I have to put on at school, it really doesn't affect me, as only I know how stupid they are being- that sort off stuff doesn't wind me up. To be honest 'You have a feminine voice'- Yeah, your point is? Haha :) Not that I said that really...
One thing I really, really miss is being able to be femme for a while at home every now and again, but now Dad's business has expanded slightly, so there are constantly people trapsing past my bedroom, which is extremely unnerving when applying mascara, it has to be said!
Dad has also said that If I want to sell my airsoft gear, I have to use it more- despite having bought it myself. I've been a few times recently to achieve this with a male friend, and then proceeded to tear a quadracrep, pull my hamstring and have potentially slightly fractured something above the knee, but I doubt that somehow, despite the initial plaster cast by the ever caring NHS. :) I want to sell it to fund clothes and things! Of course, if I so much exclaim a word in protestation I get in trouble for answering back- It is apparently impossible to explain something to my parents, or indeed speak to them anymore, without an argument breaking out over something! Mum also makes all these little nasty comments about my Trans-ness, which are most unhelpful and sometimes humiliating. Life goes on.
I miss three teachers from my old school a lot- it could be said that after a while at my old school, you took the close student-teacher relationship for granted, something that is very different here. My old Geography teacher never knew about me, but she was a wonderful person and a genuinely enthusiastic, great teacher. I have never seen anyone so excited about Volcanic eruptions since!
My French teacher was also superb- how on earth she managed to get me an A in French I will never know. She was really supportive, and knew almost everything... I tried to deny my sexuality, but hey, that didn't last long :). The best languages teacher I've ever had, by a country mile, and easily one of the most caring.
My History/English/Media/PSHE teacher was another inspiration. Her words of kindness and clear judgment have guided me through some fairly dark times, to say the least. I hope to keep in contact with them for a long time in the future- IfI remember correctly, just after the end of year 12 :) Unfortunately, the group she suggested I get in touch with is headed by a glaswegian whom I can barely understand, let alone talk about Trans issues with.
In conrast, The teachers at my new school sit back and make you work from a textbook, apart from the female Geography and History teachers funnily enough.
ANYWAY, plans are afoot! Me and an old friend are going to go shopping in Milton Keynes... And a sleepover hopefully :) I just want to go all out for the first time in ages, all the way, from make-up to dresses to shaved legs etc and probably watch Mean Girls or a similar chick flick. It will be great fun! :)
I sort of know where to go from this point as well, I'm going to get in touch with Mermaids, and see what they can do for me, and in turn, what I can do for them. I fancy running a marathon, and that would give me a reason to (just don't mention the amount of Subways I've consumed recently! They are sooooo good but so damn unhealthy!)
I am having the best times of my life at the moment- I have a social life again, admittedly not as Billie, but hey. All in good time. Then again, I still have that chronic disyrust of boys... I suppose I'm almost a 'man' now, a thoroughly depressing thought.
But that, could be another story ;)
Billie
Xxx
Tuesday 11 October 2011
Sunday 11 September 2011
Success!
I've finally managed to remember my password and get a new keyboard! Sorted at last :)
Anyway, I had my GCSE results a few weeks back, and did batter than I could have hoped for, with 3 A*, 3 As and 4 Bs, which means that I have actually overqualified at something for once, which is a great feeling!
I think that, considering how ill I was, they are some pretty darn good grades! I was really pleased with my English Language, History and French grades though, how I achieved an A in French I will never know! I'll tell you one thing, I wouldn't have been anywhere near without a certain two excellent teachers (Thank you!!!)! The olny other bit of notable news of interest is that I have equalled the clubs record for the highest amount of not-outs by any player- drawing with our India A international. Which is cool :D
Anyway, I have started at my new Sixth Form, and OMG, it is amazing!!!! You can go into town for Lunch (roll on Subway :), there are (lots) of nice boys :P, and it is all very... open there. Everyone fits in, and everyone is genuinely a nice guy, with no exceptions, there are no super caveman style lads there either :) I think it is perfect. The A-Levels I have taken, English Language, Psychology, Geography and History are all really interesting, particularly psychology, which is awesome!!!
On the Trans front, I have been able to do VERY little, because I have had to look after my brother all summer, which wasn't ideal at all. However, it has provided a lot of thinking time I suppose. These next two years are going to rock though, seriously :D
I can't wait :)
Billie
xxx
I can't wait :)
Billie
xxx
Monday 27 June 2011
Phew!
My god, it is absolutely roasting! I had to play cricket in it all day on Sunday, absolute nightmare- but I haven't burned, just tanned... It's a miracle! :D
I've ended up doing lots of 'manly' things with very little time at all to be Billie unfortunately, but I am going to have make sure that changes soon!
Very little is happening, which really frustrates me at the moment. I can't be myself at all- not even a little bit of make-up, because my parents are now effectively working from home, which is a pain. Where there is a will, there's a way though! :)
How cute is John Barrowman anyway? He is just... amazing! <3 I'm going to have to go and see him whenever he is touring :).
I had an awkward (for me at least) moment at school- my (male) form tutor told me that he knows, and that he would support me in anyway possible. This is obviously interesting news, but to be honest, I feel like I've left my current school now, and have no desire to go back really, I'm coping and getting more confident with time. It is a great offer, but I just want to let things 'pan out' for a while, to see where a natural course will take me. However, it set-off alarm bells though- how much does he know? How does he know?
To be honest though- I don't want to know how he knows etc... It will just potentially spoil what I have at the moment, which is obviously (very) special to me.
I need to get those heels from New Look, they were really, really pretty :). That just sounds crude but... Its true :)
Its a long summer, with a lot to look forward to hopefully! :)
Don't get too badly burnt! :P
Billie
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I've ended up doing lots of 'manly' things with very little time at all to be Billie unfortunately, but I am going to have make sure that changes soon!
Very little is happening, which really frustrates me at the moment. I can't be myself at all- not even a little bit of make-up, because my parents are now effectively working from home, which is a pain. Where there is a will, there's a way though! :)
How cute is John Barrowman anyway? He is just... amazing! <3 I'm going to have to go and see him whenever he is touring :).
I had an awkward (for me at least) moment at school- my (male) form tutor told me that he knows, and that he would support me in anyway possible. This is obviously interesting news, but to be honest, I feel like I've left my current school now, and have no desire to go back really, I'm coping and getting more confident with time. It is a great offer, but I just want to let things 'pan out' for a while, to see where a natural course will take me. However, it set-off alarm bells though- how much does he know? How does he know?
To be honest though- I don't want to know how he knows etc... It will just potentially spoil what I have at the moment, which is obviously (very) special to me.
I need to get those heels from New Look, they were really, really pretty :). That just sounds crude but... Its true :)
Its a long summer, with a lot to look forward to hopefully! :)
Don't get too badly burnt! :P
Billie
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Saturday 18 June 2011
Closing Sequence
Well, that's it.
GCSEs completely finished. School finished. Just results day left.
I know that, by rights, I should be really happy, be celebrating, partying and all that jazz.
But I've just left my friends (and dare I say it, my only real friends) behind. I've just left those who knew Billie behind. I will try to keep in touch of course, but I am terrible at meeting people. I'll miss the knowing looks, the note passing, the little quips, advice, friendly banter, physical help, make-up smuggling... But mostly I will miss them as people. By god I'll miss them. If I helped them in a way even mildly comparable to anything they have done for me, I will be proud. I just don't want to let them go!
I just feel absolutely terrible. I can't believe-no, I refuse to believe that that's it. I just doesn't seem like an end- it seems far, far too soon! :(
What happens next? Cricket-which I have no choice in. Airsoft- Which I will only do once with any luck this summer. and then... nothing I guess. I am going to, at sometime during the extended break, escape, and simply be Billie for a day or two, alone perhaps. Gather my thoughts, work out a plan of action for sixth form, assuming I make the grades, that is.
How I'll manage there is anyone's guess. I guess I'll have to start getting to know people a bit better throughout the village perhaps- but there is no-one I know here, bar one whom I don't want to spoil the relationship we have already, who I trust well enough- or even know well enough, to tell. I guess I'm flying solo for a while
Empty Chairs At Empty Tables, Where My Friends Will Meet No More. .
Act 1 Scene 4 Closes.
Interval.
GCSEs completely finished. School finished. Just results day left.
I know that, by rights, I should be really happy, be celebrating, partying and all that jazz.
But I've just left my friends (and dare I say it, my only real friends) behind. I've just left those who knew Billie behind. I will try to keep in touch of course, but I am terrible at meeting people. I'll miss the knowing looks, the note passing, the little quips, advice, friendly banter, physical help, make-up smuggling... But mostly I will miss them as people. By god I'll miss them. If I helped them in a way even mildly comparable to anything they have done for me, I will be proud. I just don't want to let them go!
I just feel absolutely terrible. I can't believe-no, I refuse to believe that that's it. I just doesn't seem like an end- it seems far, far too soon! :(
What happens next? Cricket-which I have no choice in. Airsoft- Which I will only do once with any luck this summer. and then... nothing I guess. I am going to, at sometime during the extended break, escape, and simply be Billie for a day or two, alone perhaps. Gather my thoughts, work out a plan of action for sixth form, assuming I make the grades, that is.
How I'll manage there is anyone's guess. I guess I'll have to start getting to know people a bit better throughout the village perhaps- but there is no-one I know here, bar one whom I don't want to spoil the relationship we have already, who I trust well enough- or even know well enough, to tell. I guess I'm flying solo for a while
Empty Chairs At Empty Tables, Where My Friends Will Meet No More. .
Act 1 Scene 4 Closes.
Interval.
Thursday 16 June 2011
Last Day Tomorrow!
Well, this is it.
The last exam tomorrow. I'm not really nervous about it- it will be tough but it should be OK.
What I am nervous is leaving everyone behind and going to an all-boys school!
My closer friends have been a great help these past few weeks, and it really pains me to part from them. Whether there will be tears, I don't know- but as a group, and as individuals, we've been through fair bit together, and I really don't want to let that go. All good things must come to an end I guess, but it just feels too soon, far too soon!
Who will I have to turn to at my next school? I've never even considered telling a boy. I just don't want to, I feel more secure with a girl/lady knowing, I don't know why though. I'll miss them as people, friends, confidants and almost like siblings- we've been together (most of us) for at least 4 years in a class of only 14, so it's going to be , quite seriously, heart breaking to move away. Some I will never have to see again, but others I just don't want to let go! :(
Anyway, I'm going to New Look to buy some shoes etc soon, and then maybe a few other bits and bobs from around the Bullring :)!
I'm a bit worried about my lack of weight at the moment- I'm getting rather thin in an unhealthy-ish way... I'm eating all I can, but the diet does not help one bit! Add to the fact that I am playing a fair bit of Cricket at the moment, and you start to get the appearance of a horribly masculine athletic physique. AAAARRRGHHHH!!! At least I'll look decent mid-season I guess, in a male way!
Shaving you legs is the best thing EVER, period :D ! Its so refreshing, and feminizing in a way that just relaxes me a bit, makes me feel more at ease. Of course I'm running the risk of being caught out by a fellow cricketer (no pun intended, they are usually better than that anyway), which would be quite awkward I guess... 'Yeah, they're great for acceleration, really give me an aerodynamic edge'...
All good things must come to an end I suppose!
'Empty Chairs At Empty Tables... Where my friends will sing no more'.
Chin up, at least that will be GCSEs out the way...
Magners and fingers crossed in order I think :).
The last exam tomorrow. I'm not really nervous about it- it will be tough but it should be OK.
What I am nervous is leaving everyone behind and going to an all-boys school!
My closer friends have been a great help these past few weeks, and it really pains me to part from them. Whether there will be tears, I don't know- but as a group, and as individuals, we've been through fair bit together, and I really don't want to let that go. All good things must come to an end I guess, but it just feels too soon, far too soon!
Who will I have to turn to at my next school? I've never even considered telling a boy. I just don't want to, I feel more secure with a girl/lady knowing, I don't know why though. I'll miss them as people, friends, confidants and almost like siblings- we've been together (most of us) for at least 4 years in a class of only 14, so it's going to be , quite seriously, heart breaking to move away. Some I will never have to see again, but others I just don't want to let go! :(
Anyway, I'm going to New Look to buy some shoes etc soon, and then maybe a few other bits and bobs from around the Bullring :)!
I'm a bit worried about my lack of weight at the moment- I'm getting rather thin in an unhealthy-ish way... I'm eating all I can, but the diet does not help one bit! Add to the fact that I am playing a fair bit of Cricket at the moment, and you start to get the appearance of a horribly masculine athletic physique. AAAARRRGHHHH!!! At least I'll look decent mid-season I guess, in a male way!
Shaving you legs is the best thing EVER, period :D ! Its so refreshing, and feminizing in a way that just relaxes me a bit, makes me feel more at ease. Of course I'm running the risk of being caught out by a fellow cricketer (no pun intended, they are usually better than that anyway), which would be quite awkward I guess... 'Yeah, they're great for acceleration, really give me an aerodynamic edge'...
All good things must come to an end I suppose!
'Empty Chairs At Empty Tables... Where my friends will sing no more'.
Chin up, at least that will be GCSEs out the way...
Magners and fingers crossed in order I think :).
Wednesday 15 June 2011
Good Times :)
God knows how many down, one to go! So close to finishing GCSEs now :). Hopefully the last Geography paper will be nowhere near as hard as that History paper, that was a fairly impressive piece of horrible questions!
Anyway!
It was the school's 'Prom' sort of thing last Saturday, which was held at a friend's house instead of a restraunt or something, but it was a great night nonetheless!!! For us lads, it was the usual bland suit/tie affair, but the girls... They seriously looked absolutely stunning, all of them- celebrities had nothing on them! The dresses were amazing too, and trust me when I say that they raised a few eyebrows! After all the adults had left we had a fair bit of alcohol though, I swear I was the only one sober all night (I would have but I had a cricket game in the morning), although Smirnoff Ice proved to be fairly irresistible after a while. One thing the night did was partially confirm my suspicions about my sexuality- given all the grinding/kissing/ god knows what else going on, I think It's fairly safe to say that I prefer men. Which is a massive contradiction given my earlier posts, but then again, I guess I was more ashamed to admit that to myself than the other stuff! It would also make sense as a few people, including my own mother thought that I was gay to start off with, so I guess I wanted to realise that alone without being told etc. I have done now though, although somehow I don't think I'll start shouting it down the street!
I've spent ages recently trying to mould myself to have some sort of musical style, but I guess i can't really find one that fits, I just like the odd song, here and there. One thing I love though is the Musical Theatre! I can't wait to go down to London to see Les Miserables, Chicago and Hairspray some time, but at the moment, 'Les Cages Aux Folles' and 'Funny Girls' (at the recommendations of a Teacher :)) . They both seem to be outrageous Drag/Cabaret shows, and they look like great fun :)! If only I could sing again :).
John Barrowman (<3) was on 'Les Cages Aux Folles' only last year, so I'm a bit annoyed I missed him... He is just... awesome :) Ahhhhhhhhhh....
Mum seems to be much more comfortable with the whole thing now, or at least she hasn't asked anymore about the make-up... I really don't want to talk about it to her though in case I ruin what I have at the moment, which is a bit of a 'Don't ask, Don't tell' system... It would be great to actually have a larger chance to do make-up properly again, unfortunately I don't seem to get any time alone at the moment, but that sould change with the advent of the long summer break! I WILL go and buy some more stuff too, I've gotten past buying stuff now, so I should be ok... I will still need to hide clothes etc though :(.
I think there are some good times approaching though, I've had an offer of going to a friend's house to simply be Billie for a while, which would be AMAZING!!! :) Her/Their Mum is really, really cool with it too, and has done a lot for me and is quite easily the kindest, most lovely adult I know on a personal level- in fact their entire family has done loads for me recently :). Hopefully this won't change with the changing of schools that is soon to occur. In fact I won't let it, I probably need them more than I let on.
From the musical 'Les Cages Aux Folles' comes the song 'I am What I am'- which in my opinion is simply the best song ever... It is very relevant to myself, and every GBLT community member really...
If you were to YouTube the David Barrowman/David Engel/George Hearn version you'll d know what I mean. David Barrowman is naturally rather pretty/handsome anyway, but in Drag , he looks rather (very) good!
'Life's not worth a damn, till you can say : Hey World, I am What I am' :)
(Which is very, very true).
Anyway, I'm off to have another go at smoky eyes... Wish me luck :)
Billie
xxxx
Anyway!
It was the school's 'Prom' sort of thing last Saturday, which was held at a friend's house instead of a restraunt or something, but it was a great night nonetheless!!! For us lads, it was the usual bland suit/tie affair, but the girls... They seriously looked absolutely stunning, all of them- celebrities had nothing on them! The dresses were amazing too, and trust me when I say that they raised a few eyebrows! After all the adults had left we had a fair bit of alcohol though, I swear I was the only one sober all night (I would have but I had a cricket game in the morning), although Smirnoff Ice proved to be fairly irresistible after a while. One thing the night did was partially confirm my suspicions about my sexuality- given all the grinding/kissing/ god knows what else going on, I think It's fairly safe to say that I prefer men. Which is a massive contradiction given my earlier posts, but then again, I guess I was more ashamed to admit that to myself than the other stuff! It would also make sense as a few people, including my own mother thought that I was gay to start off with, so I guess I wanted to realise that alone without being told etc. I have done now though, although somehow I don't think I'll start shouting it down the street!
I've spent ages recently trying to mould myself to have some sort of musical style, but I guess i can't really find one that fits, I just like the odd song, here and there. One thing I love though is the Musical Theatre! I can't wait to go down to London to see Les Miserables, Chicago and Hairspray some time, but at the moment, 'Les Cages Aux Folles' and 'Funny Girls' (at the recommendations of a Teacher :)) . They both seem to be outrageous Drag/Cabaret shows, and they look like great fun :)! If only I could sing again :).
John Barrowman (<3) was on 'Les Cages Aux Folles' only last year, so I'm a bit annoyed I missed him... He is just... awesome :) Ahhhhhhhhhh....
Mum seems to be much more comfortable with the whole thing now, or at least she hasn't asked anymore about the make-up... I really don't want to talk about it to her though in case I ruin what I have at the moment, which is a bit of a 'Don't ask, Don't tell' system... It would be great to actually have a larger chance to do make-up properly again, unfortunately I don't seem to get any time alone at the moment, but that sould change with the advent of the long summer break! I WILL go and buy some more stuff too, I've gotten past buying stuff now, so I should be ok... I will still need to hide clothes etc though :(.
I think there are some good times approaching though, I've had an offer of going to a friend's house to simply be Billie for a while, which would be AMAZING!!! :) Her/Their Mum is really, really cool with it too, and has done a lot for me and is quite easily the kindest, most lovely adult I know on a personal level- in fact their entire family has done loads for me recently :). Hopefully this won't change with the changing of schools that is soon to occur. In fact I won't let it, I probably need them more than I let on.
From the musical 'Les Cages Aux Folles' comes the song 'I am What I am'- which in my opinion is simply the best song ever... It is very relevant to myself, and every GBLT community member really...
If you were to YouTube the David Barrowman/David Engel/George Hearn version you'll d know what I mean. David Barrowman is naturally rather pretty/handsome anyway, but in Drag , he looks rather (very) good!
'Life's not worth a damn, till you can say : Hey World, I am What I am' :)
(Which is very, very true).
Anyway, I'm off to have another go at smoky eyes... Wish me luck :)
Billie
xxxx
Wednesday 8 June 2011
Moving On.
I just want to document something now, so that I can move on from it, something I have been unable to do really, but it is time to, with new schools (with any luck :) approaching.
I moved from a fairly big primary School to Bilton High a few years back. It may seem silly to name it, but it was such a dire, terrible school, that it deserves to be named and shamed. Absolutely. That is not just my opinion either- several people left from my class due to the bullying, the resounding lack of pastoral care, the environment created inside it... It was a (Insert strong word here) nightmare. I think you can tell a lot about any school by its Wiki page- but if you look at Bilton's, it mentions changing the discipline system 3 times in a few years. I believe that tells you a lot about the school.
I guess I was young, small, and one of the youngest in the year group when I transferred to Bilton. Only two or three people I knew came with me, and we ended up in a form of around 20 odd kids- although class sizes were usually around 30-40. Bilton is a State run (of course, I have nothing at all against that) comprehensive school, and had, if I recall correctly, some 1,400 students- so it was a big school. Anyway, I digress...
It started a few weeks in to the term. My best friend there left due to his own bullying problems, This left me alone, and isolated within the class. However, I was still relatively popular, and the sporty/trendy cliques accepted me for some reason... Despite not being a 'chav', which was the hugely popular thing at the time. But then things turned sour. One kid in the class just went for me, mentally, physically over a period of weeks, and then a few other lads in the class joined in. I was beaten up (although that I never told my parents, I hid the bruises- I guess I was ashamed), frequently manhandled, punched etc, nasty comments/rumours were constantly said about me... I even managed to be stabbed in the hand by one of them, albeit with a compass, it still damn well hurt though. I tried standing up for myself, but 3 against one is never good odds really. It all reached a peak when two kids chased me out of school, having pulled a pocket knife on me. I was quick fortunately, and made it to the car- but I couldn't control my emotions, and had a proper breakdown in the carpark of a local garden centre. Mum tried to get the school to sort it out, but after a while, they literally just gave up. They actually said 'I'm afraid we cannot guarantee Billy's safety anymore', and I stopped going in. I was an emotional wreck.
That said I found a new school quickly fortunately, and moved in there after only one term at Bilton. This is the school I am moving on from now. A found comfort in the fact that heard a few weeks back that main perpetrators is now in Onley Young Offenders. Thank god.
I've looked long and hard at myself, and one question still remains. WHY?
I didn't do anything- that I am sure of. I guess I'll never know.
But It's time to move on.
I'll never speak of it again.
Billie
xxx
I moved from a fairly big primary School to Bilton High a few years back. It may seem silly to name it, but it was such a dire, terrible school, that it deserves to be named and shamed. Absolutely. That is not just my opinion either- several people left from my class due to the bullying, the resounding lack of pastoral care, the environment created inside it... It was a (Insert strong word here) nightmare. I think you can tell a lot about any school by its Wiki page- but if you look at Bilton's, it mentions changing the discipline system 3 times in a few years. I believe that tells you a lot about the school.
I guess I was young, small, and one of the youngest in the year group when I transferred to Bilton. Only two or three people I knew came with me, and we ended up in a form of around 20 odd kids- although class sizes were usually around 30-40. Bilton is a State run (of course, I have nothing at all against that) comprehensive school, and had, if I recall correctly, some 1,400 students- so it was a big school. Anyway, I digress...
It started a few weeks in to the term. My best friend there left due to his own bullying problems, This left me alone, and isolated within the class. However, I was still relatively popular, and the sporty/trendy cliques accepted me for some reason... Despite not being a 'chav', which was the hugely popular thing at the time. But then things turned sour. One kid in the class just went for me, mentally, physically over a period of weeks, and then a few other lads in the class joined in. I was beaten up (although that I never told my parents, I hid the bruises- I guess I was ashamed), frequently manhandled, punched etc, nasty comments/rumours were constantly said about me... I even managed to be stabbed in the hand by one of them, albeit with a compass, it still damn well hurt though. I tried standing up for myself, but 3 against one is never good odds really. It all reached a peak when two kids chased me out of school, having pulled a pocket knife on me. I was quick fortunately, and made it to the car- but I couldn't control my emotions, and had a proper breakdown in the carpark of a local garden centre. Mum tried to get the school to sort it out, but after a while, they literally just gave up. They actually said 'I'm afraid we cannot guarantee Billy's safety anymore', and I stopped going in. I was an emotional wreck.
That said I found a new school quickly fortunately, and moved in there after only one term at Bilton. This is the school I am moving on from now. A found comfort in the fact that heard a few weeks back that main perpetrators is now in Onley Young Offenders. Thank god.
I've looked long and hard at myself, and one question still remains. WHY?
I didn't do anything- that I am sure of. I guess I'll never know.
But It's time to move on.
I'll never speak of it again.
Billie
xxx
Sunday 5 June 2011
Shame
If its who you are, you shouldn't be ashamed should you? You should be able to hold your head high, and not have to hide. But we do, at least for a while, but then who knows what will happen in the mean time? Loads of food for thought around at the moment, I think its Pride month too :)
Anyway... Mum discovered, whilst going through my stuff for some reason (or perhaps that was the reason), a few make-up bits/bobs.... (Cue the expected lecture)- BUT it never happened.
She merely said that 'is is that gender thing again', and that we could talk about it later... Gave me a hug and walked out :D
Progress :D
Progress :D
Big Progress :)
I just need to pluck up the courage to actually speak about it to her again then. :S
Billie
xxx
Monday 23 May 2011
Friends
I'll tell you one thing, out of all the things I have learnt since accepting myself.
Close Friends are the most important things ever.
It may be initially hard to tell them, and make sure (for gods sake) you choose the right ones. Use your brain and instincts :)
When you feel down, they bring you back up.
When you're stuck, they offer a solution.
When you hope to try something... they provide it with interest :)
I'm as happy now as I have been for a very long time, all thanks to a close-knit group of friends, who I really don't know what I would do without. :)
Gabby, Thank you for everything, the make-up, the 'counselling' and just the random conversations we end up having :) Plus you saved my life :P
Alex, Thanks for being such a great help, you really helped me to accept myself- something very important to me :) I know, I'll get the walking sorted eventually :)
Alice, I know you have only recently found out but you've still been a great help, advising me on all sorts of girly things already :P Have a great 16th :D
THANK YOU!!!
Anyway, I'm off to have a another go at eye make-up, I'll get it right eventually :).
Billie
xxx
Close Friends are the most important things ever.
It may be initially hard to tell them, and make sure (for gods sake) you choose the right ones. Use your brain and instincts :)
When you feel down, they bring you back up.
When you're stuck, they offer a solution.
When you hope to try something... they provide it with interest :)
I'm as happy now as I have been for a very long time, all thanks to a close-knit group of friends, who I really don't know what I would do without. :)
Gabby, Thank you for everything, the make-up, the 'counselling' and just the random conversations we end up having :) Plus you saved my life :P
Alex, Thanks for being such a great help, you really helped me to accept myself- something very important to me :) I know, I'll get the walking sorted eventually :)
Alice, I know you have only recently found out but you've still been a great help, advising me on all sorts of girly things already :P Have a great 16th :D
THANK YOU!!!
Anyway, I'm off to have a another go at eye make-up, I'll get it right eventually :).
Billie
xxx
Thursday 19 May 2011
KBO
Hmmm... English Language GCSE done, and for my final piece I wrote a very angry 'inform' article on what I would like to do after GCSEs.
'After GCSEs? I would like a sex change'. Hmmm... It was really angrily written, and I was virtually crying whilst writing it, but it's original. And truthful. Unique. In theory. Hopefully, it will be all right.
Just a few more weeks and I'm free.
Until then...
KBO
(Never underestimate the power of talking to someone about your real self. It's therapeutic, and effectively saved my life weeks back. I at last have found a direction, of sorts, to head in. Everybody needs a direction.)
Billie xxx
'After GCSEs? I would like a sex change'. Hmmm... It was really angrily written, and I was virtually crying whilst writing it, but it's original. And truthful. Unique. In theory. Hopefully, it will be all right.
Just a few more weeks and I'm free.
Until then...
KBO
(Never underestimate the power of talking to someone about your real self. It's therapeutic, and effectively saved my life weeks back. I at last have found a direction, of sorts, to head in. Everybody needs a direction.)
Billie xxx
Monday 16 May 2011
Resurrection
Finally feeling human again, after God knows how long in hospital... Too long. Walsgrave is actually a very good hospital though. Excellent in fact :)
Waterloo Road featured a decent portrayal of a Transgendered young person. This is actually a breakthrough in the UK, particularly in my generation, as Waterloo Road has a relatively large following :) An advancement for the Transgender community.
Anyway....
Little things seem to help in between femme times...
For example, I signed my GCSE papers off as Billie instead of Billy.... Moving towards my eventual goal, which would be a sex change I guess.
BUT!!! The most important thing to have is understanding and close friends... I'd rather have one of these than 100 acquaintances. If you find acceptance from your friends, you will find acceptance within yourself.
Acceptance is Knowledge.
Knowledge is Confidence.
Confidence is Strength.
Strength is The Determination which drives you onwards.
.
Billie
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Waterloo Road featured a decent portrayal of a Transgendered young person. This is actually a breakthrough in the UK, particularly in my generation, as Waterloo Road has a relatively large following :) An advancement for the Transgender community.
Anyway....
Little things seem to help in between femme times...
For example, I signed my GCSE papers off as Billie instead of Billy.... Moving towards my eventual goal, which would be a sex change I guess.
BUT!!! The most important thing to have is understanding and close friends... I'd rather have one of these than 100 acquaintances. If you find acceptance from your friends, you will find acceptance within yourself.
Acceptance is Knowledge.
Knowledge is Confidence.
Confidence is Strength.
Strength is The Determination which drives you onwards.
.
Billie
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Wednesday 23 March 2011
Whoops!
I do apologise for the lack of posts, I have been rather ill, in and out of hospital for the past 3/4 weeks.
I have also missed 3 out of 5 weeks left until my GCSE exams. Which means I am screwed :(.
I'll get back posting as and when possible.
Thanks for all your support...
Billie xxx
I have also missed 3 out of 5 weeks left until my GCSE exams. Which means I am screwed :(.
I'll get back posting as and when possible.
Thanks for all your support...
Billie xxx
Sunday 20 February 2011
Emotion
It has been a very peculiar week. The usual epic mood changes, from jubilant to suicidal and everything in between, it has been even more of a roller-coaster than last week. At least it is half-term, which promises pointless school work, a trip to the doctors and much boredom, but still, at least I will be able to catch up on sleep. I got 3/4 hours sleep over the last 3 days of school, and collapsed/passed out or something from exhaustion towards the end of the last day, which was a very peculiar experience.
I was wondering, with all the really random/instant mood swings etc, whether there could actually be some sort of scientific proof behind my Transgendered state.My friends do not report moods etc similar to mine.... At least certainly not of the same volume/intensity. I was doing a little bit of research into hormone therapy the other day, and people were saying that Oestrogen HRT (MTF) was giving them really severe mood swings etc. I was wondering that my hormone levels might perhaps be unstable, or something similar... It is probably just wishful thinking, but how much easier would it be to come out to someone with proof as a medical condition? How much more accepting would society be... Urghh, if only!
In popular culture, it was 'Pink Day' at school on Friday, in order to raise money for the UK's Breast Cancer charity. It was a fun day, and I imagine a few people would think that I missed out on an opportunity to be myself. I beg to differ. The usual sporty egotistical kids came in sporting pink tutus and things, but I do not fit into this group, therefore I would have stuck out like a sore thumb. To be honest, I do not fit into a group, I am always... 'drifting' on the edge. It was a fun day, but I still felt really uncomfortable, in fact, I would have rather have not gone in to school. I found myself defending or protesting against certain comments made it was unreal, I had to bite my tongue several times to stop myself from blurting out a proper argument that would have revealed me as Billie. As much as I would have liked to have been Billie, I couldn't.
Mum still does not accept it... she has called me 'pathetic' 3 times in the past day. I don't get how she can say 'being gay is fine etc' beforehand, but upon revealing myself as Billie, she just shuns me. her anger levels have gone through the roof at me. I just wish she would understand. I know it is hard on her, but still... If she did research of some kind perhaps she would know what I, like so many other young Transgendered people worldwide are going through. It is NOT A PHASE. IT IS WHO I AM!
I get this overriding feeling that I am not going to reach A-levels, that I just won't make it. I just get so down, there is just so much hurt inside me. So many questions. I am beginning to lose sight of the light, I can just feel it slipping away. I just need to be me.
I will go to the doctors on Wednesday if it is the last thing I do, incorporating advice kindly given by members of Warwick Pride. I hope it goes well, because this feels like the last throw of the dice.
Billie x
'What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us'
Groucho Marx
And Also, Just a religious thought: 'There is neither Jew nor Greek, neither slave nor free, neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus'
Galatians 3:28
I was wondering, with all the really random/instant mood swings etc, whether there could actually be some sort of scientific proof behind my Transgendered state.My friends do not report moods etc similar to mine.... At least certainly not of the same volume/intensity. I was doing a little bit of research into hormone therapy the other day, and people were saying that Oestrogen HRT (MTF) was giving them really severe mood swings etc. I was wondering that my hormone levels might perhaps be unstable, or something similar... It is probably just wishful thinking, but how much easier would it be to come out to someone with proof as a medical condition? How much more accepting would society be... Urghh, if only!
In popular culture, it was 'Pink Day' at school on Friday, in order to raise money for the UK's Breast Cancer charity. It was a fun day, and I imagine a few people would think that I missed out on an opportunity to be myself. I beg to differ. The usual sporty egotistical kids came in sporting pink tutus and things, but I do not fit into this group, therefore I would have stuck out like a sore thumb. To be honest, I do not fit into a group, I am always... 'drifting' on the edge. It was a fun day, but I still felt really uncomfortable, in fact, I would have rather have not gone in to school. I found myself defending or protesting against certain comments made it was unreal, I had to bite my tongue several times to stop myself from blurting out a proper argument that would have revealed me as Billie. As much as I would have liked to have been Billie, I couldn't.
Mum still does not accept it... she has called me 'pathetic' 3 times in the past day. I don't get how she can say 'being gay is fine etc' beforehand, but upon revealing myself as Billie, she just shuns me. her anger levels have gone through the roof at me. I just wish she would understand. I know it is hard on her, but still... If she did research of some kind perhaps she would know what I, like so many other young Transgendered people worldwide are going through. It is NOT A PHASE. IT IS WHO I AM!
I get this overriding feeling that I am not going to reach A-levels, that I just won't make it. I just get so down, there is just so much hurt inside me. So many questions. I am beginning to lose sight of the light, I can just feel it slipping away. I just need to be me.
I will go to the doctors on Wednesday if it is the last thing I do, incorporating advice kindly given by members of Warwick Pride. I hope it goes well, because this feels like the last throw of the dice.
Billie x
'What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us'
Groucho Marx
And Also, Just a religious thought: 'There is neither Jew nor Greek, neither slave nor free, neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus'
Galatians 3:28
Tuesday 15 February 2011
Back Up Again
These past few weeks, since 'coming to terms' with who I am, have been a terrifying emotional rollercoaster for me. It is odd to say the least. One moment I am happy doing something normal, the next I am borderline suicidal, which obviously isn't good. I figure that I need to get help somehow- the local surgery is literally five houses away, so I will go and get advice from my GP- whether I 'come clean'to him about myself will depend on my mood. I don't want to have to take my parents, I'm doing it alone for once. Half term represents the perfect opportunity.
I have 3 really good friends whom I have come out too, all female, and they have taken to it like... 'a duck to water'. They have no problems with it, and are actually really helpful, providing really important emotional, physical and mental support. Little do they realise it, but they are, ultimately, what keeps me afloat. I feel guilty for telling them, because I don't want to worry them. What is amazing about these friends is that they give me something to look forward to at the end of the day, the week, the month- whether it is Facebook chat, a text conversation, advice on a variety of feminine issues... Even the offer by two of them of going to their houses and being allowed to... Be myself. All of this means so much to me, I really can't thank them enough.
Looking on the internet these past few days, I have discovered some beautiful items and also some excellent support groups (mainly Warwick Pride, Hello! :)). Warwick Pride ia GBLT support forum, based at Warwick Uni with sections for everything, with even their own 'Trans' section, which features some fantastic topics which are genuinely interesting, such as brain scan research, social events and other contempoary trans issues. I have also been doing a lot of research on clothes to buy when I have finished shouting at Natwest... I have found this gorgeous navy blue 'chiffon' dress from Miss. Selfridge which looked amazing, only £25 too... I will hopefully get this item soon.
I have also been looking into the largely confusing world of Breast Forms and such like. My reason for this is that at my age, I am only allowed testosterone blocking hormones (the name of which escapes me) and that is assuming I get NHS and parental support, which somehow I doubt is forthcoming. These hormones will be able to block the effects of testosterone on my body, but that is all... I then have to wait until I am older still to begin HRT, however, this is still unlikely to give me much of what I should have.
Unfortunately I have to go now, but I will try and continue this in a more candid manner later.
Bye!
Billie x
I have 3 really good friends whom I have come out too, all female, and they have taken to it like... 'a duck to water'. They have no problems with it, and are actually really helpful, providing really important emotional, physical and mental support. Little do they realise it, but they are, ultimately, what keeps me afloat. I feel guilty for telling them, because I don't want to worry them. What is amazing about these friends is that they give me something to look forward to at the end of the day, the week, the month- whether it is Facebook chat, a text conversation, advice on a variety of feminine issues... Even the offer by two of them of going to their houses and being allowed to... Be myself. All of this means so much to me, I really can't thank them enough.
Looking on the internet these past few days, I have discovered some beautiful items and also some excellent support groups (mainly Warwick Pride, Hello! :)). Warwick Pride ia GBLT support forum, based at Warwick Uni with sections for everything, with even their own 'Trans' section, which features some fantastic topics which are genuinely interesting, such as brain scan research, social events and other contempoary trans issues. I have also been doing a lot of research on clothes to buy when I have finished shouting at Natwest... I have found this gorgeous navy blue 'chiffon' dress from Miss. Selfridge which looked amazing, only £25 too... I will hopefully get this item soon.
I have also been looking into the largely confusing world of Breast Forms and such like. My reason for this is that at my age, I am only allowed testosterone blocking hormones (the name of which escapes me) and that is assuming I get NHS and parental support, which somehow I doubt is forthcoming. These hormones will be able to block the effects of testosterone on my body, but that is all... I then have to wait until I am older still to begin HRT, however, this is still unlikely to give me much of what I should have.
Unfortunately I have to go now, but I will try and continue this in a more candid manner later.
Bye!
Billie x
Sunday 13 February 2011
Alone?
You Are not Alone.
However dark the hole you are in, you are never alone.
Just remember this. I need to.
However dark the hole you are in, you are never alone.
Just remember this. I need to.
Coming Out To Friends... Words Of Advice.
I believe that to survive as a Transgendered person, without succumbing to suicidal thoughts, you need someone who is on your side, someone who knows, someone who understands and helps. But it is more important to have a friend that accepts. A friend that treats you as the person you really are, on the inside...
I am lucky. I now have 3 of these, One of whom only discovered last night. You see, the thing is with me that since being bullied at Bilton High School (completely unrelated to me being Trans) , I have never held close friends. I am not sure why, it is just that I never trust anyone... I guess that was the result of being chased out of Bilton High with 2 youths carrying knives. That was a dicey affair, and since then, have always been my own, highly private, person. That was until recently. I had to seek help, otherwise I would have been 6 feet under by Christmas- help won't come to you, you have to find it. Remember this.
Coming out to a friend, in my case female, is possibly the best thing you could possibly do. I am now able to engage in all manner of Girly conversations I should have been able to if my genetics had got it right. From make-up, to walking, to clothing.... I have been given a wealth of advice that makes me so much more relaxed and comfortable with myself. it is a huge release, to be able to diminish yourself from the false male façade that resides in you all the time in public, to the girl within.
But beware, choose who you tell wisely. It must be someone who you know is seriously trust worthy. Someone who you like, and have a friendly, trusting relationship with. Someone you can talk to, and someone you have known for quite a long time.
Finally... Test them a little before you come out to them, just to see whether you will get the response you need . For example, being of 15 years, Homosexuality is s relatively hot topic, and it is relatively easy to steer a conversation towards transgender without being noticed, thus gathering viewpoints on the matter.
I honestly hope that someday, this advice will help someone, because to be isolated inside yourself because of shame and fear is a terrible life to lead.
Good Luck.
I am lucky. I now have 3 of these, One of whom only discovered last night. You see, the thing is with me that since being bullied at Bilton High School (completely unrelated to me being Trans) , I have never held close friends. I am not sure why, it is just that I never trust anyone... I guess that was the result of being chased out of Bilton High with 2 youths carrying knives. That was a dicey affair, and since then, have always been my own, highly private, person. That was until recently. I had to seek help, otherwise I would have been 6 feet under by Christmas- help won't come to you, you have to find it. Remember this.
Coming out to a friend, in my case female, is possibly the best thing you could possibly do. I am now able to engage in all manner of Girly conversations I should have been able to if my genetics had got it right. From make-up, to walking, to clothing.... I have been given a wealth of advice that makes me so much more relaxed and comfortable with myself. it is a huge release, to be able to diminish yourself from the false male façade that resides in you all the time in public, to the girl within.
But beware, choose who you tell wisely. It must be someone who you know is seriously trust worthy. Someone who you like, and have a friendly, trusting relationship with. Someone you can talk to, and someone you have known for quite a long time.
Finally... Test them a little before you come out to them, just to see whether you will get the response you need . For example, being of 15 years, Homosexuality is s relatively hot topic, and it is relatively easy to steer a conversation towards transgender without being noticed, thus gathering viewpoints on the matter.
I honestly hope that someday, this advice will help someone, because to be isolated inside yourself because of shame and fear is a terrible life to lead.
Good Luck.
Saturday 12 February 2011
Picking Myself Up/ Being Picked Up Again.
It is really important to pick yourself up, or allow others to help you up.
It appears with me that I need a constant reminder to be able to be comfortable, to be able to feel happy. An example of this would be the first time I shaved my legs, admittedly using an electric razor- it was a huge release, almost a relief, and it allowed me to partly be myself. it kept me afloat for days, but as it began to grow back, I became depressed again. So I figure I always need something to keep me happy and content.
I managed to get hold of a proper manual razor- the disposable ones in a surgical shade of pink, and after much advice from AC & GC, used some conditioner to moisturise and 'lubricate' the legs before doing it. It quite literally took sweat & blood, and around an hour to do/get the hang of it, but by god was it worth it. What I had felt before was not smooth legs... This is :) They are gorgeous! I feel so effeminate and girly it is unreal, all I need now is some proper feminine clothes :) I feel great, I haven't felt this relaxed in years :D True to form, I went to cricket practice earlier today and destroyed my knee again, bruising it etc, slightly spoiling the look, but still... My legs feel great and look rather good too :P
(PS, Saw some lovely heels in town today, picked them up etc without thinking... The sales assistant gave me a VERY knowing look!) :P Much Blushes there!
All in all, I am much happier :)
Night-Night :)
Billie B
It appears with me that I need a constant reminder to be able to be comfortable, to be able to feel happy. An example of this would be the first time I shaved my legs, admittedly using an electric razor- it was a huge release, almost a relief, and it allowed me to partly be myself. it kept me afloat for days, but as it began to grow back, I became depressed again. So I figure I always need something to keep me happy and content.
I managed to get hold of a proper manual razor- the disposable ones in a surgical shade of pink, and after much advice from AC & GC, used some conditioner to moisturise and 'lubricate' the legs before doing it. It quite literally took sweat & blood, and around an hour to do/get the hang of it, but by god was it worth it. What I had felt before was not smooth legs... This is :) They are gorgeous! I feel so effeminate and girly it is unreal, all I need now is some proper feminine clothes :) I feel great, I haven't felt this relaxed in years :D True to form, I went to cricket practice earlier today and destroyed my knee again, bruising it etc, slightly spoiling the look, but still... My legs feel great and look rather good too :P
(PS, Saw some lovely heels in town today, picked them up etc without thinking... The sales assistant gave me a VERY knowing look!) :P Much Blushes there!
All in all, I am much happier :)
Night-Night :)
Billie B
Friday 11 February 2011
Everybody Hurts :R.E.M
Another Weekend approaches. I honestly don't want to go home. I feel much happier & more comfortable at school. It is a home from home, a refuge, a shelter, a maze in which I can act slightly like my real self. but it's still not enough. I can't live much longer like this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ijZRCIrTgQc
When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes
Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on
'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone
If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on
Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone
R.E.M Everybody Hurts.
'Don't Let Yourself Go'.
I'm Trying.
Hard.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ijZRCIrTgQc
When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes
Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on
'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone
If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on
Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone
R.E.M Everybody Hurts.
'Don't Let Yourself Go'.
I'm Trying.
Hard.
Thursday 10 February 2011
Nerves are not a girl's best friend!
Nerves. Circumstances.
They do just not go together!
To start with, as I mentioned earlier, it seems to come into conversation a lot more, and everything seems to skirt around the edge of the matter... It is probably just me being paranoid, but you can't help but wonder if somehow people know! It is really weird! For example, our form tutor made a comment about me wearing heels... I had a lecture off the Media teacher about Gay/Lesbian groups, I only just managed to stop myself from saying that you had forgotten transgender people too! Unfortunately, I blushed. Hopefully she didn't notice! And then one of the girls (who doesn't know) commented that I had feminine 'shapely' eyebrows... Almost had a heart attack! All of these events, plus loads more, make me really nervous atm! I also lost my phone for a very short while (which has ALL the messages on :S), and accidentally left this blog up on my laptop in the classroom, with 8 people inside. I was gone for 5 minutes- thank god no-one looked! :S I really recommend that you don't do this, seriously panicked that time!
I've tried to get back into walking femininely with the help of a good friend, and it is hard work, but I am sort of getting there. it actually feels more natural tbh! These are much happier days now. I just need to avoid mirrors. Desperately. I may have to act, but I can still be a little bit more of myself frequently.
These are such happier days, that in fact- I never want them to end.
Billie X
They do just not go together!
To start with, as I mentioned earlier, it seems to come into conversation a lot more, and everything seems to skirt around the edge of the matter... It is probably just me being paranoid, but you can't help but wonder if somehow people know! It is really weird! For example, our form tutor made a comment about me wearing heels... I had a lecture off the Media teacher about Gay/Lesbian groups, I only just managed to stop myself from saying that you had forgotten transgender people too! Unfortunately, I blushed. Hopefully she didn't notice! And then one of the girls (who doesn't know) commented that I had feminine 'shapely' eyebrows... Almost had a heart attack! All of these events, plus loads more, make me really nervous atm! I also lost my phone for a very short while (which has ALL the messages on :S), and accidentally left this blog up on my laptop in the classroom, with 8 people inside. I was gone for 5 minutes- thank god no-one looked! :S I really recommend that you don't do this, seriously panicked that time!
I've tried to get back into walking femininely with the help of a good friend, and it is hard work, but I am sort of getting there. it actually feels more natural tbh! These are much happier days now. I just need to avoid mirrors. Desperately. I may have to act, but I can still be a little bit more of myself frequently.
These are such happier days, that in fact- I never want them to end.
Billie X
Wednesday 9 February 2011
Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining.
Lessons have been learnt- i definitely cannot let myself get that low again, otherwise I will not be around much longer. That was, quite literally, a 'mental' weekend! Unfortunately, my plan of growing my hair has gone out of the window- I had to have a hair cut... Parents interference :(
I've been pondering about how to be myself more and more- I can't survive much more by acting. It is time to take a bow I feel- years of acting, when I should be able to at least partially be myself! I just mean by slightly adjusting things, such as my mannerisms, how I walk etc, although I already sit like a girl. I want to be able to be at ease with who I am, without the stupid male swagger and lumber I have to put on! Luckily, a close friend has volunteered to help me with this- with all this time acting 'male', it is something I have simply lost!
Thank God for AC :) x
Something that amused me today was that I managed to sign off 2 exam papers as Billie and not Billy.... Whoops :D
When My parents are not around, I am myself. I can walk in heels, I have been for a long time... I have only gone up to 4 inch though, but in time... What really annoys me is that when I shave my legs, it is sod's law that I manage to screw my knee up, which always has grazes and blood all over it. Put it down to pure grit and determination through cricket, but I don't know how it happens! :)
I can't wait to get my own stuff... I feel so much better, more relaxed, in my comfort zone when dressed up. So relaxed, it is remarkable. Just a wave of relief!
And so I leave you.
Nightie Night!
Billie xxx
I've been pondering about how to be myself more and more- I can't survive much more by acting. It is time to take a bow I feel- years of acting, when I should be able to at least partially be myself! I just mean by slightly adjusting things, such as my mannerisms, how I walk etc, although I already sit like a girl. I want to be able to be at ease with who I am, without the stupid male swagger and lumber I have to put on! Luckily, a close friend has volunteered to help me with this- with all this time acting 'male', it is something I have simply lost!
Thank God for AC :) x
Something that amused me today was that I managed to sign off 2 exam papers as Billie and not Billy.... Whoops :D
When My parents are not around, I am myself. I can walk in heels, I have been for a long time... I have only gone up to 4 inch though, but in time... What really annoys me is that when I shave my legs, it is sod's law that I manage to screw my knee up, which always has grazes and blood all over it. Put it down to pure grit and determination through cricket, but I don't know how it happens! :)
I can't wait to get my own stuff... I feel so much better, more relaxed, in my comfort zone when dressed up. So relaxed, it is remarkable. Just a wave of relief!
And so I leave you.
Nightie Night!
Billie xxx
Tuesday 8 February 2011
Fortune
I feel like the luckiest person alive. To be sent a text, at that time, is nothing short of a miracle. Enough of that!
When you know who you are, and understand that you are different to the majority of others, it has mazed me how much more noticeable the subject actually is- whenever it pops up by some fluke in conversation, you can't help but wonder whether that person knows. It is probably me just being paranoid, but it honestly does! I went to an A-Level Psychology intro the other day, to discover that a section of the course is all about gender differences, and those who are neither. I definitely want to take this course, but I will need to watch myself. This could be really awkward :) However, it can also be really amusing- when someone who does not know says 'Man-up' or stop being a 'girl' or something, then adding little female related comments yourself to those who do know... Keeps me going, amuses me.. :D
Looking at styles and stuff... I am quite slim, apparently I am 'dangerously underweight' according to my mother,( I am certainly not!) , which means I will have little trouble size wise, apart from the hips and bust... But all in time eh? I've thought about growing my hair, plucking eyebrows etc... Perhaps next year, when I am in a much bigger sixth form, where you actually can be individual. My current school, there is no point in this. With a year 11 of only 14, anything you do is relatively individual!!! I really like feminine clothes, not the jeans look... I like dresses, skirts, tights, leggings, soft stuff... etc, proper feminine clothes, although this is probably just me making up for lost time! I have started to try and slowly integrate my real self into my public figure... ie, ways of sitting etc. Reduce the shock on results day.
I have finally picked myself up, although Mirrors are still an issue. I just want to quite literally tear my face off whilst looking in one, but hey, with time- anything can happen!
Another musing- I would love to be able to be a mother, to bear children... To be who i am supposed to be- but that is really heavy ended stuff, not what this blog was built for.
My act has been around for ages, I just can't wait to be myself. Wearing women's underwear at school... Hmmm... :) Express yourself!
Btw, 30 Seconds To Mars are bloody geniuses, especially Jared Lento... People like him make me wonder if I am gay :P
I need to tell you my results day plans :)
Thanks for reading, and please come again!
This is Billie, signing off for what will definitely not be the last time!
Billie
XOX
When you know who you are, and understand that you are different to the majority of others, it has mazed me how much more noticeable the subject actually is- whenever it pops up by some fluke in conversation, you can't help but wonder whether that person knows. It is probably me just being paranoid, but it honestly does! I went to an A-Level Psychology intro the other day, to discover that a section of the course is all about gender differences, and those who are neither. I definitely want to take this course, but I will need to watch myself. This could be really awkward :) However, it can also be really amusing- when someone who does not know says 'Man-up' or stop being a 'girl' or something, then adding little female related comments yourself to those who do know... Keeps me going, amuses me.. :D
Looking at styles and stuff... I am quite slim, apparently I am 'dangerously underweight' according to my mother,( I am certainly not!) , which means I will have little trouble size wise, apart from the hips and bust... But all in time eh? I've thought about growing my hair, plucking eyebrows etc... Perhaps next year, when I am in a much bigger sixth form, where you actually can be individual. My current school, there is no point in this. With a year 11 of only 14, anything you do is relatively individual!!! I really like feminine clothes, not the jeans look... I like dresses, skirts, tights, leggings, soft stuff... etc, proper feminine clothes, although this is probably just me making up for lost time! I have started to try and slowly integrate my real self into my public figure... ie, ways of sitting etc. Reduce the shock on results day.
I have finally picked myself up, although Mirrors are still an issue. I just want to quite literally tear my face off whilst looking in one, but hey, with time- anything can happen!
Another musing- I would love to be able to be a mother, to bear children... To be who i am supposed to be- but that is really heavy ended stuff, not what this blog was built for.
My act has been around for ages, I just can't wait to be myself. Wearing women's underwear at school... Hmmm... :) Express yourself!
Btw, 30 Seconds To Mars are bloody geniuses, especially Jared Lento... People like him make me wonder if I am gay :P
I need to tell you my results day plans :)
Thanks for reading, and please come again!
This is Billie, signing off for what will definitely not be the last time!
Billie
XOX
Monday 7 February 2011
Thank God
GC, You saved my life, literally. That text full of compliments has enthused me. There is light... There is hope.
I really need to sort my depression out. Every week or so... BLAM! I'm right down again, although I have never been that low before. Sometimes the smallest things can make a huge difference.
Thank you GC :)
I really need to sort my depression out. Every week or so... BLAM! I'm right down again, although I have never been that low before. Sometimes the smallest things can make a huge difference.
Thank you GC :)
The end is nigh?
Terrible weekend.
All we can do is fight and argue in our house it seems.
Yet I am the one who tried to show them who I am. It is not my parents fault, nor can they do anything about it whatsoever. It is no-ones fault, but a genetic malfunction way back.
To be blunt, I just want to end it all. But how are you mean't to? Jumping? Drowning? Fire? Suffocation? Overdosing? I have the balls. I just want to plan it, so it has as little effect as possible- It will effect people, but I won't be missed. I will hopefully be remembered as a decent person... have a decent legacy and all that. I will write letters to everybody I know, obviously. It could take some time though.I guess It is almost planned out in my head. Dressed as my usual self, but underneath dressed as my true self. Completely shaven also. I wish not to upset anybody, just to disappear, although that is not easy, almost impossible in fact. I have few friends to be honest, but many acquaintances, so there should be little problem there. Few people read this page, so I feel secure here. perhaps one day someone will highlight this blog as evidence of some sort of failure in the government support to the young, with GBLT orientations etc. I have not properly smiled in weeks. Not laughed, nor been happy in years. Why should I stay, perhaps God or Allah or whoever will accept me somewhere.
It amuses me, acting, but I am fed up of it. Christ, I could probably get an oscar by now, i have been acting no-stop for years now. I am not impenetrable, no one is. I have never suffered gender abuse, very few people know, The Nicking alchohol family aside (slightly cryptic, you can do the math :P) , who have been fantastic to me- this was already pre determined. I am sorry, I truly am. More in a letter to you though. There is loads to say. Thank you both, and your mother- Just thank you.
Reasons: My Self. The Civil War in my head. The fact that I am a girl, trapped in a boy's body- I know I will never be able to be myself properly. What hope is there? Yes, you probably wish you hadn't of read that. I'm now being cynical, but hey. I am suicidal, perhaps i can pull through this. or not.
I don't want help. This is the way it is mean't to be. If there is no suitable, accommodating society to live in out there, without having to live in shame or depression. Why should I?
I might try and see the doctor perhaps. Or not. Would probably get sectioned under the mental Health act.
This is turning into a suicide note, so I will leave this here. Whether I do it or not, it shows I need to sort myself out quickly.
This is Billie, signing off for what may be the last time.
x
All we can do is fight and argue in our house it seems.
Yet I am the one who tried to show them who I am. It is not my parents fault, nor can they do anything about it whatsoever. It is no-ones fault, but a genetic malfunction way back.
To be blunt, I just want to end it all. But how are you mean't to? Jumping? Drowning? Fire? Suffocation? Overdosing? I have the balls. I just want to plan it, so it has as little effect as possible- It will effect people, but I won't be missed. I will hopefully be remembered as a decent person... have a decent legacy and all that. I will write letters to everybody I know, obviously. It could take some time though.I guess It is almost planned out in my head. Dressed as my usual self, but underneath dressed as my true self. Completely shaven also. I wish not to upset anybody, just to disappear, although that is not easy, almost impossible in fact. I have few friends to be honest, but many acquaintances, so there should be little problem there. Few people read this page, so I feel secure here. perhaps one day someone will highlight this blog as evidence of some sort of failure in the government support to the young, with GBLT orientations etc. I have not properly smiled in weeks. Not laughed, nor been happy in years. Why should I stay, perhaps God or Allah or whoever will accept me somewhere.
It amuses me, acting, but I am fed up of it. Christ, I could probably get an oscar by now, i have been acting no-stop for years now. I am not impenetrable, no one is. I have never suffered gender abuse, very few people know, The Nicking alchohol family aside (slightly cryptic, you can do the math :P) , who have been fantastic to me- this was already pre determined. I am sorry, I truly am. More in a letter to you though. There is loads to say. Thank you both, and your mother- Just thank you.
Reasons: My Self. The Civil War in my head. The fact that I am a girl, trapped in a boy's body- I know I will never be able to be myself properly. What hope is there? Yes, you probably wish you hadn't of read that. I'm now being cynical, but hey. I am suicidal, perhaps i can pull through this. or not.
I don't want help. This is the way it is mean't to be. If there is no suitable, accommodating society to live in out there, without having to live in shame or depression. Why should I?
I might try and see the doctor perhaps. Or not. Would probably get sectioned under the mental Health act.
This is turning into a suicide note, so I will leave this here. Whether I do it or not, it shows I need to sort myself out quickly.
This is Billie, signing off for what may be the last time.
x
Friday 4 February 2011
Mirror
I woke up this morning. I looked in the mirror. And I cried for the first time in years. I cried for what felt like hours, but in reality it was only a few minutes. Who was that boy staring at me in the mirror? Who? It's wasn't me. Where was I? Who am I?
And So began the darkest day in weeks... It felt like mirrors were following me, constantly reminding me of... of... my current form. If I had a knife, I would have happily have obliged to my emotions, but I obviously didn't. Unfortunately. This is NOT a call for help, I don't need any, I am just musing. I hate my image. I hate my genitalia. I hate being a man. I hate my physical gender. AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHHH!!!!
So much pent up anger and frustration...
I actually feel more comfortable at school than I do at home. Just another thought. I can feel us growing apart.
Have a Good Weekend,
Billie
x
And So began the darkest day in weeks... It felt like mirrors were following me, constantly reminding me of... of... my current form. If I had a knife, I would have happily have obliged to my emotions, but I obviously didn't. Unfortunately. This is NOT a call for help, I don't need any, I am just musing. I hate my image. I hate my genitalia. I hate being a man. I hate my physical gender. AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHHH!!!!
So much pent up anger and frustration...
I actually feel more comfortable at school than I do at home. Just another thought. I can feel us growing apart.
Have a Good Weekend,
Billie
x
Saturday 29 January 2011
The End of a Tough Week!
Thank Goodness it's the weekend! it has been a pretty frustrating week really- Essays etc for GCSE keep piling up and people are really starting to struggle to cope- although to be honest, the past few weeks our teachers have been laying it on thick- none of us have had proper praise for 2 weeks, it is like they are predetermining to have a go at us... But hey, what do they know? :)
In retrospect, there are a few other memories from being much younger which I believe provide provide evidence to others (I know who I am, and I am finally comfortable with it, although It will take some time for me to be able to actually become my true self... No progress has been made at home, so I will likely have to wait until I am legally classed as an adult until I can become myself) in order to... find acceptance perhaps among them. I remember distinctly when I was in infants school, so around 6/7 that I had to stay down the road at an old friends house for a few hours in the morning until we could leave for school. He was a lad, an only child, but he had his own play room, full of wonderful stuff- he had old dresses, which were styled as Roman/Greek togas etc- I used to put them on whenever he left the room, and he also had a mask, from a theatre production of some kind- which I used to point, and strut about in, until he came back... when we be boring Greeks & Romans :(
There was also the time where my grandmother and I played a game of scrabble at the age of 6, and I goaded her into doing forfeits... I ended up dressed in a skirt, but that was as far as it went unfortunately. Of course, at that age I just knew that I felt comfortable in female clothing, and much happier too. I missed a golden opportunity when I was 10-11- I actually approached Mum and said that I wanted to be a girl. She said that I could try it for a day, that weekend. I was really looking forward to it, but then I chickened out, I was always a bit shy back then.Looking back, that could have been the best moment of my life- but I missed it. I am kicking myself while thinking of this. What an idiot!
I have decided on some tights (perhaps stockings), a skirt, and a feminine top of some description, perhaps some lingerie too, just to start off. I can't wait! It will take practice to get my make-up skills looking anyway near acceptable, not helped by my definitely boyish face, also, having eaten less and played sport a lot more recently, I have the beginnings of a six pack... Which has stuffed things up somewhat! I wasn't exactly intending on the butch lesbian look! :) I can't stop playing sport either- I am a registered cricket coach and play on hell of a lot of it. Girls play cricket too, right? I did manage to get a pink cricket bat though!
Billie x
In retrospect, there are a few other memories from being much younger which I believe provide provide evidence to others (I know who I am, and I am finally comfortable with it, although It will take some time for me to be able to actually become my true self... No progress has been made at home, so I will likely have to wait until I am legally classed as an adult until I can become myself) in order to... find acceptance perhaps among them. I remember distinctly when I was in infants school, so around 6/7 that I had to stay down the road at an old friends house for a few hours in the morning until we could leave for school. He was a lad, an only child, but he had his own play room, full of wonderful stuff- he had old dresses, which were styled as Roman/Greek togas etc- I used to put them on whenever he left the room, and he also had a mask, from a theatre production of some kind- which I used to point, and strut about in, until he came back... when we be boring Greeks & Romans :(
There was also the time where my grandmother and I played a game of scrabble at the age of 6, and I goaded her into doing forfeits... I ended up dressed in a skirt, but that was as far as it went unfortunately. Of course, at that age I just knew that I felt comfortable in female clothing, and much happier too. I missed a golden opportunity when I was 10-11- I actually approached Mum and said that I wanted to be a girl. She said that I could try it for a day, that weekend. I was really looking forward to it, but then I chickened out, I was always a bit shy back then.Looking back, that could have been the best moment of my life- but I missed it. I am kicking myself while thinking of this. What an idiot!
I have decided on some tights (perhaps stockings), a skirt, and a feminine top of some description, perhaps some lingerie too, just to start off. I can't wait! It will take practice to get my make-up skills looking anyway near acceptable, not helped by my definitely boyish face, also, having eaten less and played sport a lot more recently, I have the beginnings of a six pack... Which has stuffed things up somewhat! I wasn't exactly intending on the butch lesbian look! :) I can't stop playing sport either- I am a registered cricket coach and play on hell of a lot of it. Girls play cricket too, right? I did manage to get a pink cricket bat though!
Billie x
Tuesday 25 January 2011
The Bullring
I never realised that New St station in Birmingham led you into the Bull Ring!
There were so many shops.... So many gorgeous clothes (and women too!)... There was even a wig stand thing!
If you live in the Midlands, this is the place to go, it is simply amazing! They has some simply fab dresses and some decidedly cheeky underwear :P... Not to mention the Ann Summers 'No Soft Toys Allowed' advert which made me giggle for a while. :) Train Tickets were dead cheap too, so I will be back to buy some clothes. Some of the dresses were amazingly pretty... If only I had a decent bust! But that could change, with the help of breast forms etc.
On another note, Mum has started being more supportive again! Apparently she has a load of stuff that should fit me somewhere from her slightly younger days, so I am really happy :)
Billie
X
There were so many shops.... So many gorgeous clothes (and women too!)... There was even a wig stand thing!
If you live in the Midlands, this is the place to go, it is simply amazing! They has some simply fab dresses and some decidedly cheeky underwear :P... Not to mention the Ann Summers 'No Soft Toys Allowed' advert which made me giggle for a while. :) Train Tickets were dead cheap too, so I will be back to buy some clothes. Some of the dresses were amazingly pretty... If only I had a decent bust! But that could change, with the help of breast forms etc.
On another note, Mum has started being more supportive again! Apparently she has a load of stuff that should fit me somewhere from her slightly younger days, so I am really happy :)
Billie
X
Monday 24 January 2011
Sexuality
A common misconception I have found is that Transgendered people are automatically gay, or 'fags' as they are often called. However, this is certainly not the case. Sexuality and Gender are two completely different things. As Chaz Bono once famously stated, 'Gender is between your ears, not between your legs'. This is possibly the best explanation possibly given.
Personally, I dislike men. I have no idea why, but that is just who I am. Of course, some chaps are all right as acquaintances, but I absolutely loathe the Gung-ho blokes, and, as rule, would never be homosexual. I despise my male body organs and myself. I am still interested in Women, just not as I am now... I will remain celibate until I am ready to be myself! This makes me a Lesbian or something... I get two letters on the GLBT section :)... But, to be honest, you should not care about what other people think. If you are Gay, that's fine. Straight, that's fine. Lesbian, Thats also fine! There is nothing wrong with being different, despite what people will undoubtedly tell you. People who string Bible quotes together are obviously heavily influenced by the scriptures etc, however, that does not mean you have to be the same- I would rather live one day as my true self than one hundred years in the closet!
Night Everybody, Stay safe...
Knowledge is confidence.
Just remember that!
Ps. I am through with my depression- I am going to see a doctor next week perhaps alone. I constantly feel like I am on the precipice of a huge cliff, teetering on the edge, just waiting for something to upset my balance.
I fear that my little bit of cliff is crumbling, and that I will succumb to the civil war that is enveloping me. So I'm going for help. Wish me luck.
Personally, I dislike men. I have no idea why, but that is just who I am. Of course, some chaps are all right as acquaintances, but I absolutely loathe the Gung-ho blokes, and, as rule, would never be homosexual. I despise my male body organs and myself. I am still interested in Women, just not as I am now... I will remain celibate until I am ready to be myself! This makes me a Lesbian or something... I get two letters on the GLBT section :)... But, to be honest, you should not care about what other people think. If you are Gay, that's fine. Straight, that's fine. Lesbian, Thats also fine! There is nothing wrong with being different, despite what people will undoubtedly tell you. People who string Bible quotes together are obviously heavily influenced by the scriptures etc, however, that does not mean you have to be the same- I would rather live one day as my true self than one hundred years in the closet!
Night Everybody, Stay safe...
Knowledge is confidence.
Just remember that!
Ps. I am through with my depression- I am going to see a doctor next week perhaps alone. I constantly feel like I am on the precipice of a huge cliff, teetering on the edge, just waiting for something to upset my balance.
I fear that my little bit of cliff is crumbling, and that I will succumb to the civil war that is enveloping me. So I'm going for help. Wish me luck.
Sunday 23 January 2011
Useful Sites For Any Trans Person
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A few things I forgot to mention.
Hello Again!
Generally, there are 3 routes available for Trans people.A) Forget all about, hope you don't remember it, and then be sad in later years when you realise that you made the wrong decision.
B) HRT: Hormone therapy. This will enhance your feminine features, such as bust, hip and derrière, but will not change your voice. This usually requires a large amount of counselling sessions or something similar. Personally, I will be looking to do this in the future.
C) Gender Reassignment Surgery. This truly is remarkable- it is fascinating, although can be expensive and will require a lot of counselling etc to get it. It is the extremest option out there, although it will leave you as a complete woman, with a fully receptive...area etc...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dxEude6BN10 Here is a video of the operation. WARNING: DEFINITELY NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH!!! It really is remarkable surgery! Personally, I have looked into this, but I fear that HRT may be my limitation, I have no idea why though!
Whatever you choose, please make a well-informed decision. All of these are not something you can opt for overnight, they will take time and meticulous planning.
Whichever you opt for, I sincerely hope it works out for you. Good Luck!
Hey!
Hello Folks!
I am only 15 years old, and live in a rural area of the UK. I have known about my gender issues for years, but I have never been willing to tell anyone about them, that is, until now.
Basically, I was born a male, but I generally believe that a genetic error occurred at during fertilization or something, for I see myself as a girl. This is quite a big step for me, as there are many things that I feel I need to say that I cannot tell my 'friends'.
If you are new to all of this, there is something called the 'Benjamin Scale', which attempts to determine your gender/sexual orientation via certain criteria. It is used to try and establish the difference between being Transsexual, Transvestic etc. However, you must be aware that this will never be clear cut, the lines are often blurry when 'diagnosing' yourself. I fall into type 4 on this scale, however, I also have tendencies from type 6 etc.
I have found that it is near impossible around my age to be your true self. I am lucky in that I go to a small school, but even there, there are certain people who would make life a misery if I were to reveal to them my true self. I have already been bullied badly once, It is something I certainly do not need again- nor does anyone. No-one should have to experience bullying, but it happens. It appears to be a fact ion today's society.
I believe that having Gender Issues at his age is one of the hardest things anyone can go through, because Society will likely never accept us.
I don't know how, but I knew from around the age of 8, that I was not normal. I had a fascination with girl's clothes, and women in general. I longed to be one. I distinctly remember walking into the Girls's changing area at junior school because I knew myself and knew that I posed the girl's no risk. However, this girls's didn't know that, and the teacher chucked me out immediately. I was only after my shoes (The girls changing room was also our locker room)! Then there was the time when I used to Crossdress a little, but my mother caught me, and shouted the house down at me. This stopped me for a while, but I knew that there was something deeper. At my current age, It all made sense. My friends introduced me to Porn and other ghastly components of the internet. However, upon watching it for a while, I realised that I was not enjoying it in the normal sense.. I wanted to be the woman, if you get my drift. As a rule I dislike/hate men- I'm not gay, I'm anything but, although I have no qualms with any member of LGBT rainbow. But the woman- I didn't want her, I wanted to be her. I surmised that I was a transgendered Lesbian or something similar. Yes, I know I am more than slightly screwed up.
After 6 years of hiding everything, it all became too much for me. I became really depressed last month and was ready to end it all, however, Mother's have a knack at realising something was up.We had an hour long family discussion, but I could not find it in me to reveal what was up- I just couldn't.On the other hand, the conversation stopped me from topping myself, which I guess is a good thing!
Then I saw an opportunity open up. We had to create a music video at school for media studies. I then realised that there was no chance of getting completely dressed up for it, however, the song we ended up with featured the potential theme of a one night stand. I decided to try and get some Red female underwear for it. I have a friend who helped me out in this department (she was later to become the closest friend I have had ever- I know I my not be to her, but she certainly is to me!), who lent me some (unworn) Red, lacy underwear. She told me that I could do whatever we needed to do with them, provided it was not 'dirty'. I like to see myself as a decent Guy/Girl and would honestly never dream of doing such a thing! I decided to try them on... I guess this was the recent catalyst which sparked my whole gender identity thing all over again... I got her approval to do this, and they fit perfectly. I wanted to go one step further though, I 'came out' to her via texting. It was horrible, hard and I was really nervous, but I did it, and she has been extremely understanding and helpful to date. She literally is a lifesaver, I 'cannot stress enough' as our French teacher would say, how indebted I am to her and grateful I am.
I also came out to my mother, after bullying myself to do it. However, she did not seem to really accept it, and the overall vibe I am getting from her is that I am too young to think like this etc. This is a shame, but I know who I am, not her. In order to feel as feminine as I can during school days etc, I have shaved my legs... They feel amazing, I recommend this to any cross dresser/effeminate person!
I am taking a huge jump next week though. I am going to go out, and buy my own stuff. make-up, lingerie, skirts, tights, dresses... I don't really care what I anyone thinks about me. I just know who I am, and I fully intend to be that person in the future. You have a right to be yourself, and no-one can take that away from you.
Knowledge Is Confidence.
Billie x
I am only 15 years old, and live in a rural area of the UK. I have known about my gender issues for years, but I have never been willing to tell anyone about them, that is, until now.
Basically, I was born a male, but I generally believe that a genetic error occurred at during fertilization or something, for I see myself as a girl. This is quite a big step for me, as there are many things that I feel I need to say that I cannot tell my 'friends'.
If you are new to all of this, there is something called the 'Benjamin Scale', which attempts to determine your gender/sexual orientation via certain criteria. It is used to try and establish the difference between being Transsexual, Transvestic etc. However, you must be aware that this will never be clear cut, the lines are often blurry when 'diagnosing' yourself. I fall into type 4 on this scale, however, I also have tendencies from type 6 etc.
I have found that it is near impossible around my age to be your true self. I am lucky in that I go to a small school, but even there, there are certain people who would make life a misery if I were to reveal to them my true self. I have already been bullied badly once, It is something I certainly do not need again- nor does anyone. No-one should have to experience bullying, but it happens. It appears to be a fact ion today's society.
I believe that having Gender Issues at his age is one of the hardest things anyone can go through, because Society will likely never accept us.
I don't know how, but I knew from around the age of 8, that I was not normal. I had a fascination with girl's clothes, and women in general. I longed to be one. I distinctly remember walking into the Girls's changing area at junior school because I knew myself and knew that I posed the girl's no risk. However, this girls's didn't know that, and the teacher chucked me out immediately. I was only after my shoes (The girls changing room was also our locker room)! Then there was the time when I used to Crossdress a little, but my mother caught me, and shouted the house down at me. This stopped me for a while, but I knew that there was something deeper. At my current age, It all made sense. My friends introduced me to Porn and other ghastly components of the internet. However, upon watching it for a while, I realised that I was not enjoying it in the normal sense.. I wanted to be the woman, if you get my drift. As a rule I dislike/hate men- I'm not gay, I'm anything but, although I have no qualms with any member of LGBT rainbow. But the woman- I didn't want her, I wanted to be her. I surmised that I was a transgendered Lesbian or something similar. Yes, I know I am more than slightly screwed up.
After 6 years of hiding everything, it all became too much for me. I became really depressed last month and was ready to end it all, however, Mother's have a knack at realising something was up.We had an hour long family discussion, but I could not find it in me to reveal what was up- I just couldn't.On the other hand, the conversation stopped me from topping myself, which I guess is a good thing!
Then I saw an opportunity open up. We had to create a music video at school for media studies. I then realised that there was no chance of getting completely dressed up for it, however, the song we ended up with featured the potential theme of a one night stand. I decided to try and get some Red female underwear for it. I have a friend who helped me out in this department (she was later to become the closest friend I have had ever- I know I my not be to her, but she certainly is to me!), who lent me some (unworn) Red, lacy underwear. She told me that I could do whatever we needed to do with them, provided it was not 'dirty'. I like to see myself as a decent Guy/Girl and would honestly never dream of doing such a thing! I decided to try them on... I guess this was the recent catalyst which sparked my whole gender identity thing all over again... I got her approval to do this, and they fit perfectly. I wanted to go one step further though, I 'came out' to her via texting. It was horrible, hard and I was really nervous, but I did it, and she has been extremely understanding and helpful to date. She literally is a lifesaver, I 'cannot stress enough' as our French teacher would say, how indebted I am to her and grateful I am.
I also came out to my mother, after bullying myself to do it. However, she did not seem to really accept it, and the overall vibe I am getting from her is that I am too young to think like this etc. This is a shame, but I know who I am, not her. In order to feel as feminine as I can during school days etc, I have shaved my legs... They feel amazing, I recommend this to any cross dresser/effeminate person!
I am taking a huge jump next week though. I am going to go out, and buy my own stuff. make-up, lingerie, skirts, tights, dresses... I don't really care what I anyone thinks about me. I just know who I am, and I fully intend to be that person in the future. You have a right to be yourself, and no-one can take that away from you.
Knowledge Is Confidence.
Billie x
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