Monday 27 June 2011

Phew!

My god, it is absolutely roasting! I had to play cricket in it all day on Sunday, absolute nightmare- but I haven't burned, just tanned... It's a miracle! :D
I've ended up doing lots of 'manly' things with very little time at all to be Billie unfortunately, but I am going to have make sure that changes soon!
Very little is happening, which really frustrates me at the moment. I can't be myself at all- not even a little bit of make-up, because my parents are now effectively working from home, which is a pain. Where there is a will, there's a way though! :)
How cute is John Barrowman anyway? He is just... amazing! <3 I'm going to have to go and see him whenever he is touring :).
I had an awkward (for me at least) moment at school- my (male) form tutor told me that he knows, and that he would support me in anyway possible.  This is obviously interesting news, but to be honest, I feel like I've left my current school now, and have no desire to go back really, I'm coping and getting more confident with time. It is a great offer, but I just want to let things 'pan out' for a while, to see where a natural course will take me. However, it set-off alarm bells though- how much does he know? How does he know?
To be honest though- I don't want to know how he knows etc... It will just potentially spoil what I have at the moment, which is obviously (very) special to me.
I need to get those heels from New Look, they were really, really pretty :). That just sounds crude but... Its true :)

Its a long summer, with a lot to look forward to hopefully! :)

Don't get too badly burnt! :P
Billie
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Saturday 18 June 2011

Closing Sequence

Well, that's it.
GCSEs completely finished. School finished. Just results day left.
I know that, by rights,  I should be really happy, be celebrating, partying and all that jazz.

But I've just left my friends (and dare I say it, my only real friends) behind. I've just left those who knew Billie behind. I will try to keep in touch of course, but I am terrible at meeting people. I'll miss the knowing looks, the note passing, the little quips, advice, friendly banter, physical help, make-up smuggling... But mostly I will miss them as people. By god I'll miss them. If I helped them in a way even mildly comparable to anything they have done for me, I will be proud. I just don't want to let them go!
I just feel absolutely terrible. I can't believe-no, I refuse to believe that that's it. I just doesn't seem like an end- it seems far, far too soon! :(
What happens next? Cricket-which I have no choice in. Airsoft- Which I will only do once with any luck this summer. and then... nothing I guess. I am going to, at sometime during the extended break, escape, and simply be Billie for a day or two, alone perhaps. Gather my thoughts, work out a plan of action for sixth form, assuming I make the grades, that is.
                        How I'll manage there is anyone's guess. I guess I'll have to start getting to know people a bit better throughout the village perhaps- but there is no-one I know here, bar one whom I don't want to spoil the relationship we have already, who I trust well enough- or even know well enough, to tell. I guess I'm flying solo for a while
                Empty Chairs At Empty Tables, Where My Friends Will Meet No More. .

Act 1 Scene 4 Closes.
Interval.

Thursday 16 June 2011

Last Day Tomorrow!

Well, this is it.
The last exam tomorrow. I'm not really nervous about it- it will be tough but it should be OK.
What I am nervous is leaving everyone behind and going to an all-boys school!
My closer friends have been a great help these past few weeks, and it really pains me to part from them. Whether there will be tears, I don't know- but as a group, and as individuals, we've been through  fair bit together, and I really don't want to let that go. All good things must come to an end I guess, but it just feels too soon, far too soon!
                 Who will I have to turn to at my next school? I've never even considered telling a boy. I just don't want to, I feel more secure with a girl/lady knowing, I don't know why though. I'll miss them as people, friends, confidants and almost like siblings- we've been together (most of us) for at least 4 years in a class of only 14, so it's going to be , quite seriously, heart breaking to move away. Some I will never have to see again, but others I just don't want to let go! :(
     Anyway, I'm going to New Look to buy some shoes etc soon, and then maybe a few other bits and bobs from around the Bullring :)!
                    I'm a bit worried about my lack of weight at the moment- I'm getting rather thin in an unhealthy-ish way... I'm eating all I can, but the diet does not help one bit! Add to the fact that I am playing a fair bit of Cricket at the moment, and you start to get the appearance of a horribly masculine athletic physique. AAAARRRGHHHH!!! At least I'll look decent mid-season I guess, in a male way!
               Shaving you legs is the best thing EVER, period :D ! Its so refreshing, and feminizing in a way that just relaxes me a bit, makes me feel more at ease. Of course I'm running the risk of being caught out by a fellow cricketer (no pun intended, they are usually better than that anyway), which would be quite awkward I guess... 'Yeah, they're great for acceleration, really give me an aerodynamic edge'...

All good things must come to an end I suppose!

'Empty Chairs At Empty Tables... Where my friends will sing no more'.

Chin up, at least that will be GCSEs out the way...
Magners and fingers crossed in order I think :).

Wednesday 15 June 2011

Good Times :)

God knows how many down, one to go! So close to finishing GCSEs now :). Hopefully the last Geography paper will be nowhere near as hard as that History paper, that was a fairly impressive piece of horrible questions!

Anyway!
It was the school's 'Prom' sort of thing last Saturday, which was held at a friend's house instead of a restraunt or something, but it was a great night nonetheless!!! For us lads, it was the usual bland suit/tie affair, but the girls... They seriously looked absolutely stunning, all of them- celebrities had nothing on them! The dresses were amazing too, and trust me when I say that they raised a few eyebrows! After all the adults had left we had a fair bit of alcohol though, I swear I was the only one sober all night (I would have but I had a cricket game in the morning), although Smirnoff Ice proved to be fairly irresistible after a while. One thing the night did  was partially confirm my suspicions about my sexuality- given all the grinding/kissing/ god knows what else going on, I think It's fairly safe to say that I prefer men. Which is a massive contradiction given my earlier posts, but then again, I guess I was more ashamed to admit that to myself than the other stuff! It would also make sense as a few people, including my own mother thought that I was gay to start off with, so I guess I wanted to realise that alone without being told etc. I have done now though, although somehow I don't think I'll start shouting it down the street!
                  I've spent ages recently trying to mould myself to have some sort of musical style, but I guess i can't really find one that fits, I just like the odd song, here and there. One thing I love though is the Musical Theatre! I can't wait to go down to London to see Les Miserables, Chicago and Hairspray some time, but at the moment, 'Les Cages Aux Folles' and 'Funny Girls' (at the recommendations of a Teacher :)) . They both seem to be outrageous Drag/Cabaret shows, and they look like great fun :)! If only I could sing again :).
John Barrowman (<3) was on 'Les Cages Aux Folles' only last year, so I'm  a bit annoyed I missed him... He is just... awesome :) Ahhhhhhhhhh....
               Mum seems to be much more comfortable with the whole thing now, or at least she hasn't asked anymore about the make-up... I really don't want to talk about it to her though in case I ruin what I have at the moment, which is a bit of a 'Don't ask, Don't tell' system... It would be great to actually have a larger chance to do make-up properly again, unfortunately I don't seem to get any time alone at the moment, but that sould change with the advent of the long summer break! I WILL go and buy some more stuff too, I've gotten past buying stuff now, so I should be ok... I will still need to hide clothes etc though :(.
               I think there are some good times approaching though, I've had an offer of going to a friend's house to simply be Billie for a while, which would be AMAZING!!! :) Her/Their Mum is really, really cool with it too, and has done a lot for me and is quite easily the kindest, most lovely adult I know on a personal level- in fact their entire family has done loads for me recently :). Hopefully this won't change with the changing of schools that is soon to occur. In fact I won't let it, I probably need them more than I let on.
              From the musical 'Les Cages Aux Folles' comes the song 'I am What I am'- which in my opinion is simply the best song ever... It is very relevant to myself, and every GBLT community member really...
If you were to YouTube the David Barrowman/David Engel/George Hearn version you'll d know what I mean. David Barrowman is naturally rather pretty/handsome anyway, but in Drag , he looks rather (very) good!

'Life's not worth a damn, till you can say : Hey World, I am What I am' :)
 (Which is very, very true).

Anyway, I'm off to have another go at smoky eyes... Wish me luck :)

Billie
xxxx

Wednesday 8 June 2011

Moving On.

I just want to document something now, so that I can move on from it, something I have been unable to do really, but it is time to, with new schools (with any luck :) approaching.

                                                                      I moved from a fairly big primary School to Bilton High a few years back. It may seem silly to name it, but it was such a dire, terrible school, that it deserves to be named and shamed. Absolutely. That is not just my opinion either- several people left from my class due to the bullying, the resounding lack of pastoral care, the environment created inside it... It was a (Insert strong word here) nightmare. I think you can tell a lot about any school by its Wiki page- but if you look at Bilton's, it mentions changing the discipline system 3 times in a few years. I believe that tells you a lot about the school.
                    I guess I was young, small, and one of the youngest in the year group when I transferred to Bilton. Only two or three people I knew came with me, and we ended up in a form of around 20 odd kids- although class sizes were usually around 30-40. Bilton is a State run (of course, I have nothing at all against that) comprehensive school, and had, if I recall correctly, some 1,400  students- so it was a big school. Anyway, I digress...
                              It started a few weeks in to the  term. My best friend there left due to his own bullying problems, This left me alone, and isolated within the class. However, I was still relatively popular, and the sporty/trendy cliques accepted me for some reason... Despite not being a 'chav', which was the hugely popular thing at the time.  But then things turned sour. One kid in the class just went for me, mentally, physically over a period of weeks, and then a few other lads in the class joined in. I was beaten up (although that I never told my parents, I hid the bruises- I guess I was ashamed), frequently manhandled, punched etc, nasty comments/rumours were constantly said about me... I even managed to be stabbed in the hand by one of them, albeit with a compass, it still damn well hurt though. I tried standing up for myself, but 3 against one is never good odds really. It all reached a peak when two kids chased me out of school, having pulled a pocket knife on me. I was quick fortunately, and made it to the car- but I couldn't control my emotions, and had a proper breakdown in the carpark of a local garden centre. Mum tried to get the school to sort it out, but after a while, they literally just gave up. They actually said 'I'm afraid we cannot guarantee Billy's safety anymore', and I stopped going in. I was an emotional wreck.
 That said I found a new school quickly fortunately, and  moved in there after only one term at Bilton. This is the school I am moving on from now. A found comfort in the fact that heard a few weeks back that main perpetrators is now in Onley Young Offenders. Thank god.

I've looked long and hard at myself, and one question still remains. WHY?
I didn't do anything- that I am sure of. I guess I'll never know.

But It's time to move on.

I'll never speak of it again.

Billie
xxx

Sunday 5 June 2011

Shame

   If its who you are, you shouldn't be ashamed should you? You should be able to hold your head high, and not have to hide. But we do, at least for a while, but then who knows what will happen in the mean time? Loads of food for thought around at the moment, I think its Pride month too :)
Anyway... Mum discovered, whilst going through my stuff for some reason (or perhaps that was the reason), a few make-up bits/bobs.... (Cue the expected lecture)- BUT it never happened.
She merely said that 'is is that gender thing again', and that we could talk about it later... Gave me a hug and walked out :D
Progress :D 
Big Progress :) 

I just need to pluck up the courage to actually speak about it to her again then. :S 

Billie
xxx