It has been a very peculiar week. The usual epic mood changes, from jubilant to suicidal and everything in between, it has been even more of a roller-coaster than last week. At least it is half-term, which promises pointless school work, a trip to the doctors and much boredom, but still, at least I will be able to catch up on sleep. I got 3/4 hours sleep over the last 3 days of school, and collapsed/passed out or something from exhaustion towards the end of the last day, which was a very peculiar experience.
I was wondering, with all the really random/instant mood swings etc, whether there could actually be some sort of scientific proof behind my Transgendered state.My friends do not report moods etc similar to mine.... At least certainly not of the same volume/intensity. I was doing a little bit of research into hormone therapy the other day, and people were saying that Oestrogen HRT (MTF) was giving them really severe mood swings etc. I was wondering that my hormone levels might perhaps be unstable, or something similar... It is probably just wishful thinking, but how much easier would it be to come out to someone with proof as a medical condition? How much more accepting would society be... Urghh, if only!
In popular culture, it was 'Pink Day' at school on Friday, in order to raise money for the UK's Breast Cancer charity. It was a fun day, and I imagine a few people would think that I missed out on an opportunity to be myself. I beg to differ. The usual sporty egotistical kids came in sporting pink tutus and things, but I do not fit into this group, therefore I would have stuck out like a sore thumb. To be honest, I do not fit into a group, I am always... 'drifting' on the edge. It was a fun day, but I still felt really uncomfortable, in fact, I would have rather have not gone in to school. I found myself defending or protesting against certain comments made it was unreal, I had to bite my tongue several times to stop myself from blurting out a proper argument that would have revealed me as Billie. As much as I would have liked to have been Billie, I couldn't.
Mum still does not accept it... she has called me 'pathetic' 3 times in the past day. I don't get how she can say 'being gay is fine etc' beforehand, but upon revealing myself as Billie, she just shuns me. her anger levels have gone through the roof at me. I just wish she would understand. I know it is hard on her, but still... If she did research of some kind perhaps she would know what I, like so many other young Transgendered people worldwide are going through. It is NOT A PHASE. IT IS WHO I AM!
I get this overriding feeling that I am not going to reach A-levels, that I just won't make it. I just get so down, there is just so much hurt inside me. So many questions. I am beginning to lose sight of the light, I can just feel it slipping away. I just need to be me.
I will go to the doctors on Wednesday if it is the last thing I do, incorporating advice kindly given by members of Warwick Pride. I hope it goes well, because this feels like the last throw of the dice.
Billie x
'What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us'
Groucho Marx
And Also, Just a religious thought: 'There is neither Jew nor Greek, neither slave nor free, neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus'
Galatians 3:28
Sunday 20 February 2011
Tuesday 15 February 2011
Back Up Again
These past few weeks, since 'coming to terms' with who I am, have been a terrifying emotional rollercoaster for me. It is odd to say the least. One moment I am happy doing something normal, the next I am borderline suicidal, which obviously isn't good. I figure that I need to get help somehow- the local surgery is literally five houses away, so I will go and get advice from my GP- whether I 'come clean'to him about myself will depend on my mood. I don't want to have to take my parents, I'm doing it alone for once. Half term represents the perfect opportunity.
I have 3 really good friends whom I have come out too, all female, and they have taken to it like... 'a duck to water'. They have no problems with it, and are actually really helpful, providing really important emotional, physical and mental support. Little do they realise it, but they are, ultimately, what keeps me afloat. I feel guilty for telling them, because I don't want to worry them. What is amazing about these friends is that they give me something to look forward to at the end of the day, the week, the month- whether it is Facebook chat, a text conversation, advice on a variety of feminine issues... Even the offer by two of them of going to their houses and being allowed to... Be myself. All of this means so much to me, I really can't thank them enough.
Looking on the internet these past few days, I have discovered some beautiful items and also some excellent support groups (mainly Warwick Pride, Hello! :)). Warwick Pride ia GBLT support forum, based at Warwick Uni with sections for everything, with even their own 'Trans' section, which features some fantastic topics which are genuinely interesting, such as brain scan research, social events and other contempoary trans issues. I have also been doing a lot of research on clothes to buy when I have finished shouting at Natwest... I have found this gorgeous navy blue 'chiffon' dress from Miss. Selfridge which looked amazing, only £25 too... I will hopefully get this item soon.
I have also been looking into the largely confusing world of Breast Forms and such like. My reason for this is that at my age, I am only allowed testosterone blocking hormones (the name of which escapes me) and that is assuming I get NHS and parental support, which somehow I doubt is forthcoming. These hormones will be able to block the effects of testosterone on my body, but that is all... I then have to wait until I am older still to begin HRT, however, this is still unlikely to give me much of what I should have.
Unfortunately I have to go now, but I will try and continue this in a more candid manner later.
Bye!
Billie x
I have 3 really good friends whom I have come out too, all female, and they have taken to it like... 'a duck to water'. They have no problems with it, and are actually really helpful, providing really important emotional, physical and mental support. Little do they realise it, but they are, ultimately, what keeps me afloat. I feel guilty for telling them, because I don't want to worry them. What is amazing about these friends is that they give me something to look forward to at the end of the day, the week, the month- whether it is Facebook chat, a text conversation, advice on a variety of feminine issues... Even the offer by two of them of going to their houses and being allowed to... Be myself. All of this means so much to me, I really can't thank them enough.
Looking on the internet these past few days, I have discovered some beautiful items and also some excellent support groups (mainly Warwick Pride, Hello! :)). Warwick Pride ia GBLT support forum, based at Warwick Uni with sections for everything, with even their own 'Trans' section, which features some fantastic topics which are genuinely interesting, such as brain scan research, social events and other contempoary trans issues. I have also been doing a lot of research on clothes to buy when I have finished shouting at Natwest... I have found this gorgeous navy blue 'chiffon' dress from Miss. Selfridge which looked amazing, only £25 too... I will hopefully get this item soon.
I have also been looking into the largely confusing world of Breast Forms and such like. My reason for this is that at my age, I am only allowed testosterone blocking hormones (the name of which escapes me) and that is assuming I get NHS and parental support, which somehow I doubt is forthcoming. These hormones will be able to block the effects of testosterone on my body, but that is all... I then have to wait until I am older still to begin HRT, however, this is still unlikely to give me much of what I should have.
Unfortunately I have to go now, but I will try and continue this in a more candid manner later.
Bye!
Billie x
Sunday 13 February 2011
Alone?
You Are not Alone.
However dark the hole you are in, you are never alone.
Just remember this. I need to.
However dark the hole you are in, you are never alone.
Just remember this. I need to.
Coming Out To Friends... Words Of Advice.
I believe that to survive as a Transgendered person, without succumbing to suicidal thoughts, you need someone who is on your side, someone who knows, someone who understands and helps. But it is more important to have a friend that accepts. A friend that treats you as the person you really are, on the inside...
I am lucky. I now have 3 of these, One of whom only discovered last night. You see, the thing is with me that since being bullied at Bilton High School (completely unrelated to me being Trans) , I have never held close friends. I am not sure why, it is just that I never trust anyone... I guess that was the result of being chased out of Bilton High with 2 youths carrying knives. That was a dicey affair, and since then, have always been my own, highly private, person. That was until recently. I had to seek help, otherwise I would have been 6 feet under by Christmas- help won't come to you, you have to find it. Remember this.
Coming out to a friend, in my case female, is possibly the best thing you could possibly do. I am now able to engage in all manner of Girly conversations I should have been able to if my genetics had got it right. From make-up, to walking, to clothing.... I have been given a wealth of advice that makes me so much more relaxed and comfortable with myself. it is a huge release, to be able to diminish yourself from the false male façade that resides in you all the time in public, to the girl within.
But beware, choose who you tell wisely. It must be someone who you know is seriously trust worthy. Someone who you like, and have a friendly, trusting relationship with. Someone you can talk to, and someone you have known for quite a long time.
Finally... Test them a little before you come out to them, just to see whether you will get the response you need . For example, being of 15 years, Homosexuality is s relatively hot topic, and it is relatively easy to steer a conversation towards transgender without being noticed, thus gathering viewpoints on the matter.
I honestly hope that someday, this advice will help someone, because to be isolated inside yourself because of shame and fear is a terrible life to lead.
Good Luck.
I am lucky. I now have 3 of these, One of whom only discovered last night. You see, the thing is with me that since being bullied at Bilton High School (completely unrelated to me being Trans) , I have never held close friends. I am not sure why, it is just that I never trust anyone... I guess that was the result of being chased out of Bilton High with 2 youths carrying knives. That was a dicey affair, and since then, have always been my own, highly private, person. That was until recently. I had to seek help, otherwise I would have been 6 feet under by Christmas- help won't come to you, you have to find it. Remember this.
Coming out to a friend, in my case female, is possibly the best thing you could possibly do. I am now able to engage in all manner of Girly conversations I should have been able to if my genetics had got it right. From make-up, to walking, to clothing.... I have been given a wealth of advice that makes me so much more relaxed and comfortable with myself. it is a huge release, to be able to diminish yourself from the false male façade that resides in you all the time in public, to the girl within.
But beware, choose who you tell wisely. It must be someone who you know is seriously trust worthy. Someone who you like, and have a friendly, trusting relationship with. Someone you can talk to, and someone you have known for quite a long time.
Finally... Test them a little before you come out to them, just to see whether you will get the response you need . For example, being of 15 years, Homosexuality is s relatively hot topic, and it is relatively easy to steer a conversation towards transgender without being noticed, thus gathering viewpoints on the matter.
I honestly hope that someday, this advice will help someone, because to be isolated inside yourself because of shame and fear is a terrible life to lead.
Good Luck.
Saturday 12 February 2011
Picking Myself Up/ Being Picked Up Again.
It is really important to pick yourself up, or allow others to help you up.
It appears with me that I need a constant reminder to be able to be comfortable, to be able to feel happy. An example of this would be the first time I shaved my legs, admittedly using an electric razor- it was a huge release, almost a relief, and it allowed me to partly be myself. it kept me afloat for days, but as it began to grow back, I became depressed again. So I figure I always need something to keep me happy and content.
I managed to get hold of a proper manual razor- the disposable ones in a surgical shade of pink, and after much advice from AC & GC, used some conditioner to moisturise and 'lubricate' the legs before doing it. It quite literally took sweat & blood, and around an hour to do/get the hang of it, but by god was it worth it. What I had felt before was not smooth legs... This is :) They are gorgeous! I feel so effeminate and girly it is unreal, all I need now is some proper feminine clothes :) I feel great, I haven't felt this relaxed in years :D True to form, I went to cricket practice earlier today and destroyed my knee again, bruising it etc, slightly spoiling the look, but still... My legs feel great and look rather good too :P
(PS, Saw some lovely heels in town today, picked them up etc without thinking... The sales assistant gave me a VERY knowing look!) :P Much Blushes there!
All in all, I am much happier :)
Night-Night :)
Billie B
It appears with me that I need a constant reminder to be able to be comfortable, to be able to feel happy. An example of this would be the first time I shaved my legs, admittedly using an electric razor- it was a huge release, almost a relief, and it allowed me to partly be myself. it kept me afloat for days, but as it began to grow back, I became depressed again. So I figure I always need something to keep me happy and content.
I managed to get hold of a proper manual razor- the disposable ones in a surgical shade of pink, and after much advice from AC & GC, used some conditioner to moisturise and 'lubricate' the legs before doing it. It quite literally took sweat & blood, and around an hour to do/get the hang of it, but by god was it worth it. What I had felt before was not smooth legs... This is :) They are gorgeous! I feel so effeminate and girly it is unreal, all I need now is some proper feminine clothes :) I feel great, I haven't felt this relaxed in years :D True to form, I went to cricket practice earlier today and destroyed my knee again, bruising it etc, slightly spoiling the look, but still... My legs feel great and look rather good too :P
(PS, Saw some lovely heels in town today, picked them up etc without thinking... The sales assistant gave me a VERY knowing look!) :P Much Blushes there!
All in all, I am much happier :)
Night-Night :)
Billie B
Friday 11 February 2011
Everybody Hurts :R.E.M
Another Weekend approaches. I honestly don't want to go home. I feel much happier & more comfortable at school. It is a home from home, a refuge, a shelter, a maze in which I can act slightly like my real self. but it's still not enough. I can't live much longer like this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ijZRCIrTgQc
When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes
Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on
'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone
If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on
Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone
R.E.M Everybody Hurts.
'Don't Let Yourself Go'.
I'm Trying.
Hard.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ijZRCIrTgQc
When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes
Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on
'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone
If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on
Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone
R.E.M Everybody Hurts.
'Don't Let Yourself Go'.
I'm Trying.
Hard.
Thursday 10 February 2011
Nerves are not a girl's best friend!
Nerves. Circumstances.
They do just not go together!
To start with, as I mentioned earlier, it seems to come into conversation a lot more, and everything seems to skirt around the edge of the matter... It is probably just me being paranoid, but you can't help but wonder if somehow people know! It is really weird! For example, our form tutor made a comment about me wearing heels... I had a lecture off the Media teacher about Gay/Lesbian groups, I only just managed to stop myself from saying that you had forgotten transgender people too! Unfortunately, I blushed. Hopefully she didn't notice! And then one of the girls (who doesn't know) commented that I had feminine 'shapely' eyebrows... Almost had a heart attack! All of these events, plus loads more, make me really nervous atm! I also lost my phone for a very short while (which has ALL the messages on :S), and accidentally left this blog up on my laptop in the classroom, with 8 people inside. I was gone for 5 minutes- thank god no-one looked! :S I really recommend that you don't do this, seriously panicked that time!
I've tried to get back into walking femininely with the help of a good friend, and it is hard work, but I am sort of getting there. it actually feels more natural tbh! These are much happier days now. I just need to avoid mirrors. Desperately. I may have to act, but I can still be a little bit more of myself frequently.
These are such happier days, that in fact- I never want them to end.
Billie X
They do just not go together!
To start with, as I mentioned earlier, it seems to come into conversation a lot more, and everything seems to skirt around the edge of the matter... It is probably just me being paranoid, but you can't help but wonder if somehow people know! It is really weird! For example, our form tutor made a comment about me wearing heels... I had a lecture off the Media teacher about Gay/Lesbian groups, I only just managed to stop myself from saying that you had forgotten transgender people too! Unfortunately, I blushed. Hopefully she didn't notice! And then one of the girls (who doesn't know) commented that I had feminine 'shapely' eyebrows... Almost had a heart attack! All of these events, plus loads more, make me really nervous atm! I also lost my phone for a very short while (which has ALL the messages on :S), and accidentally left this blog up on my laptop in the classroom, with 8 people inside. I was gone for 5 minutes- thank god no-one looked! :S I really recommend that you don't do this, seriously panicked that time!
I've tried to get back into walking femininely with the help of a good friend, and it is hard work, but I am sort of getting there. it actually feels more natural tbh! These are much happier days now. I just need to avoid mirrors. Desperately. I may have to act, but I can still be a little bit more of myself frequently.
These are such happier days, that in fact- I never want them to end.
Billie X
Wednesday 9 February 2011
Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining.
Lessons have been learnt- i definitely cannot let myself get that low again, otherwise I will not be around much longer. That was, quite literally, a 'mental' weekend! Unfortunately, my plan of growing my hair has gone out of the window- I had to have a hair cut... Parents interference :(
I've been pondering about how to be myself more and more- I can't survive much more by acting. It is time to take a bow I feel- years of acting, when I should be able to at least partially be myself! I just mean by slightly adjusting things, such as my mannerisms, how I walk etc, although I already sit like a girl. I want to be able to be at ease with who I am, without the stupid male swagger and lumber I have to put on! Luckily, a close friend has volunteered to help me with this- with all this time acting 'male', it is something I have simply lost!
Thank God for AC :) x
Something that amused me today was that I managed to sign off 2 exam papers as Billie and not Billy.... Whoops :D
When My parents are not around, I am myself. I can walk in heels, I have been for a long time... I have only gone up to 4 inch though, but in time... What really annoys me is that when I shave my legs, it is sod's law that I manage to screw my knee up, which always has grazes and blood all over it. Put it down to pure grit and determination through cricket, but I don't know how it happens! :)
I can't wait to get my own stuff... I feel so much better, more relaxed, in my comfort zone when dressed up. So relaxed, it is remarkable. Just a wave of relief!
And so I leave you.
Nightie Night!
Billie xxx
I've been pondering about how to be myself more and more- I can't survive much more by acting. It is time to take a bow I feel- years of acting, when I should be able to at least partially be myself! I just mean by slightly adjusting things, such as my mannerisms, how I walk etc, although I already sit like a girl. I want to be able to be at ease with who I am, without the stupid male swagger and lumber I have to put on! Luckily, a close friend has volunteered to help me with this- with all this time acting 'male', it is something I have simply lost!
Thank God for AC :) x
Something that amused me today was that I managed to sign off 2 exam papers as Billie and not Billy.... Whoops :D
When My parents are not around, I am myself. I can walk in heels, I have been for a long time... I have only gone up to 4 inch though, but in time... What really annoys me is that when I shave my legs, it is sod's law that I manage to screw my knee up, which always has grazes and blood all over it. Put it down to pure grit and determination through cricket, but I don't know how it happens! :)
I can't wait to get my own stuff... I feel so much better, more relaxed, in my comfort zone when dressed up. So relaxed, it is remarkable. Just a wave of relief!
And so I leave you.
Nightie Night!
Billie xxx
Tuesday 8 February 2011
Fortune
I feel like the luckiest person alive. To be sent a text, at that time, is nothing short of a miracle. Enough of that!
When you know who you are, and understand that you are different to the majority of others, it has mazed me how much more noticeable the subject actually is- whenever it pops up by some fluke in conversation, you can't help but wonder whether that person knows. It is probably me just being paranoid, but it honestly does! I went to an A-Level Psychology intro the other day, to discover that a section of the course is all about gender differences, and those who are neither. I definitely want to take this course, but I will need to watch myself. This could be really awkward :) However, it can also be really amusing- when someone who does not know says 'Man-up' or stop being a 'girl' or something, then adding little female related comments yourself to those who do know... Keeps me going, amuses me.. :D
Looking at styles and stuff... I am quite slim, apparently I am 'dangerously underweight' according to my mother,( I am certainly not!) , which means I will have little trouble size wise, apart from the hips and bust... But all in time eh? I've thought about growing my hair, plucking eyebrows etc... Perhaps next year, when I am in a much bigger sixth form, where you actually can be individual. My current school, there is no point in this. With a year 11 of only 14, anything you do is relatively individual!!! I really like feminine clothes, not the jeans look... I like dresses, skirts, tights, leggings, soft stuff... etc, proper feminine clothes, although this is probably just me making up for lost time! I have started to try and slowly integrate my real self into my public figure... ie, ways of sitting etc. Reduce the shock on results day.
I have finally picked myself up, although Mirrors are still an issue. I just want to quite literally tear my face off whilst looking in one, but hey, with time- anything can happen!
Another musing- I would love to be able to be a mother, to bear children... To be who i am supposed to be- but that is really heavy ended stuff, not what this blog was built for.
My act has been around for ages, I just can't wait to be myself. Wearing women's underwear at school... Hmmm... :) Express yourself!
Btw, 30 Seconds To Mars are bloody geniuses, especially Jared Lento... People like him make me wonder if I am gay :P
I need to tell you my results day plans :)
Thanks for reading, and please come again!
This is Billie, signing off for what will definitely not be the last time!
Billie
XOX
When you know who you are, and understand that you are different to the majority of others, it has mazed me how much more noticeable the subject actually is- whenever it pops up by some fluke in conversation, you can't help but wonder whether that person knows. It is probably me just being paranoid, but it honestly does! I went to an A-Level Psychology intro the other day, to discover that a section of the course is all about gender differences, and those who are neither. I definitely want to take this course, but I will need to watch myself. This could be really awkward :) However, it can also be really amusing- when someone who does not know says 'Man-up' or stop being a 'girl' or something, then adding little female related comments yourself to those who do know... Keeps me going, amuses me.. :D
Looking at styles and stuff... I am quite slim, apparently I am 'dangerously underweight' according to my mother,( I am certainly not!) , which means I will have little trouble size wise, apart from the hips and bust... But all in time eh? I've thought about growing my hair, plucking eyebrows etc... Perhaps next year, when I am in a much bigger sixth form, where you actually can be individual. My current school, there is no point in this. With a year 11 of only 14, anything you do is relatively individual!!! I really like feminine clothes, not the jeans look... I like dresses, skirts, tights, leggings, soft stuff... etc, proper feminine clothes, although this is probably just me making up for lost time! I have started to try and slowly integrate my real self into my public figure... ie, ways of sitting etc. Reduce the shock on results day.
I have finally picked myself up, although Mirrors are still an issue. I just want to quite literally tear my face off whilst looking in one, but hey, with time- anything can happen!
Another musing- I would love to be able to be a mother, to bear children... To be who i am supposed to be- but that is really heavy ended stuff, not what this blog was built for.
My act has been around for ages, I just can't wait to be myself. Wearing women's underwear at school... Hmmm... :) Express yourself!
Btw, 30 Seconds To Mars are bloody geniuses, especially Jared Lento... People like him make me wonder if I am gay :P
I need to tell you my results day plans :)
Thanks for reading, and please come again!
This is Billie, signing off for what will definitely not be the last time!
Billie
XOX
Monday 7 February 2011
Thank God
GC, You saved my life, literally. That text full of compliments has enthused me. There is light... There is hope.
I really need to sort my depression out. Every week or so... BLAM! I'm right down again, although I have never been that low before. Sometimes the smallest things can make a huge difference.
Thank you GC :)
I really need to sort my depression out. Every week or so... BLAM! I'm right down again, although I have never been that low before. Sometimes the smallest things can make a huge difference.
Thank you GC :)
The end is nigh?
Terrible weekend.
All we can do is fight and argue in our house it seems.
Yet I am the one who tried to show them who I am. It is not my parents fault, nor can they do anything about it whatsoever. It is no-ones fault, but a genetic malfunction way back.
To be blunt, I just want to end it all. But how are you mean't to? Jumping? Drowning? Fire? Suffocation? Overdosing? I have the balls. I just want to plan it, so it has as little effect as possible- It will effect people, but I won't be missed. I will hopefully be remembered as a decent person... have a decent legacy and all that. I will write letters to everybody I know, obviously. It could take some time though.I guess It is almost planned out in my head. Dressed as my usual self, but underneath dressed as my true self. Completely shaven also. I wish not to upset anybody, just to disappear, although that is not easy, almost impossible in fact. I have few friends to be honest, but many acquaintances, so there should be little problem there. Few people read this page, so I feel secure here. perhaps one day someone will highlight this blog as evidence of some sort of failure in the government support to the young, with GBLT orientations etc. I have not properly smiled in weeks. Not laughed, nor been happy in years. Why should I stay, perhaps God or Allah or whoever will accept me somewhere.
It amuses me, acting, but I am fed up of it. Christ, I could probably get an oscar by now, i have been acting no-stop for years now. I am not impenetrable, no one is. I have never suffered gender abuse, very few people know, The Nicking alchohol family aside (slightly cryptic, you can do the math :P) , who have been fantastic to me- this was already pre determined. I am sorry, I truly am. More in a letter to you though. There is loads to say. Thank you both, and your mother- Just thank you.
Reasons: My Self. The Civil War in my head. The fact that I am a girl, trapped in a boy's body- I know I will never be able to be myself properly. What hope is there? Yes, you probably wish you hadn't of read that. I'm now being cynical, but hey. I am suicidal, perhaps i can pull through this. or not.
I don't want help. This is the way it is mean't to be. If there is no suitable, accommodating society to live in out there, without having to live in shame or depression. Why should I?
I might try and see the doctor perhaps. Or not. Would probably get sectioned under the mental Health act.
This is turning into a suicide note, so I will leave this here. Whether I do it or not, it shows I need to sort myself out quickly.
This is Billie, signing off for what may be the last time.
x
All we can do is fight and argue in our house it seems.
Yet I am the one who tried to show them who I am. It is not my parents fault, nor can they do anything about it whatsoever. It is no-ones fault, but a genetic malfunction way back.
To be blunt, I just want to end it all. But how are you mean't to? Jumping? Drowning? Fire? Suffocation? Overdosing? I have the balls. I just want to plan it, so it has as little effect as possible- It will effect people, but I won't be missed. I will hopefully be remembered as a decent person... have a decent legacy and all that. I will write letters to everybody I know, obviously. It could take some time though.I guess It is almost planned out in my head. Dressed as my usual self, but underneath dressed as my true self. Completely shaven also. I wish not to upset anybody, just to disappear, although that is not easy, almost impossible in fact. I have few friends to be honest, but many acquaintances, so there should be little problem there. Few people read this page, so I feel secure here. perhaps one day someone will highlight this blog as evidence of some sort of failure in the government support to the young, with GBLT orientations etc. I have not properly smiled in weeks. Not laughed, nor been happy in years. Why should I stay, perhaps God or Allah or whoever will accept me somewhere.
It amuses me, acting, but I am fed up of it. Christ, I could probably get an oscar by now, i have been acting no-stop for years now. I am not impenetrable, no one is. I have never suffered gender abuse, very few people know, The Nicking alchohol family aside (slightly cryptic, you can do the math :P) , who have been fantastic to me- this was already pre determined. I am sorry, I truly am. More in a letter to you though. There is loads to say. Thank you both, and your mother- Just thank you.
Reasons: My Self. The Civil War in my head. The fact that I am a girl, trapped in a boy's body- I know I will never be able to be myself properly. What hope is there? Yes, you probably wish you hadn't of read that. I'm now being cynical, but hey. I am suicidal, perhaps i can pull through this. or not.
I don't want help. This is the way it is mean't to be. If there is no suitable, accommodating society to live in out there, without having to live in shame or depression. Why should I?
I might try and see the doctor perhaps. Or not. Would probably get sectioned under the mental Health act.
This is turning into a suicide note, so I will leave this here. Whether I do it or not, it shows I need to sort myself out quickly.
This is Billie, signing off for what may be the last time.
x
Friday 4 February 2011
Mirror
I woke up this morning. I looked in the mirror. And I cried for the first time in years. I cried for what felt like hours, but in reality it was only a few minutes. Who was that boy staring at me in the mirror? Who? It's wasn't me. Where was I? Who am I?
And So began the darkest day in weeks... It felt like mirrors were following me, constantly reminding me of... of... my current form. If I had a knife, I would have happily have obliged to my emotions, but I obviously didn't. Unfortunately. This is NOT a call for help, I don't need any, I am just musing. I hate my image. I hate my genitalia. I hate being a man. I hate my physical gender. AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHHH!!!!
So much pent up anger and frustration...
I actually feel more comfortable at school than I do at home. Just another thought. I can feel us growing apart.
Have a Good Weekend,
Billie
x
And So began the darkest day in weeks... It felt like mirrors were following me, constantly reminding me of... of... my current form. If I had a knife, I would have happily have obliged to my emotions, but I obviously didn't. Unfortunately. This is NOT a call for help, I don't need any, I am just musing. I hate my image. I hate my genitalia. I hate being a man. I hate my physical gender. AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHHH!!!!
So much pent up anger and frustration...
I actually feel more comfortable at school than I do at home. Just another thought. I can feel us growing apart.
Have a Good Weekend,
Billie
x
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