Good Times :)

God knows how many down, one to go! So close to finishing GCSEs now :). Hopefully the last Geography paper will be nowhere near as hard as that History paper, that was a fairly impressive piece of horrible questions!

Anyway!
It was the school's 'Prom' sort of thing last Saturday, which was held at a friend's house instead of a restraunt or something, but it was a great night nonetheless!!! For us lads, it was the usual bland suit/tie affair, but the girls... They seriously looked absolutely stunning, all of them- celebrities had nothing on them! The dresses were amazing too, and trust me when I say that they raised a few eyebrows! After all the adults had left we had a fair bit of alcohol though, I swear I was the only one sober all night (I would have but I had a cricket game in the morning), although Smirnoff Ice proved to be fairly irresistible after a while. One thing the night did  was partially confirm my suspicions about my sexuality- given all the grinding/kissing/ god knows what else going on, I think It's fairly safe to say that I prefer men. Which is a massive contradiction given my earlier posts, but then again, I guess I was more ashamed to admit that to myself than the other stuff! It would also make sense as a few people, including my own mother thought that I was gay to start off with, so I guess I wanted to realise that alone without being told etc. I have done now though, although somehow I don't think I'll start shouting it down the street!
                  I've spent ages recently trying to mould myself to have some sort of musical style, but I guess i can't really find one that fits, I just like the odd song, here and there. One thing I love though is the Musical Theatre! I can't wait to go down to London to see Les Miserables, Chicago and Hairspray some time, but at the moment, 'Les Cages Aux Folles' and 'Funny Girls' (at the recommendations of a Teacher :)) . They both seem to be outrageous Drag/Cabaret shows, and they look like great fun :)! If only I could sing again :).
John Barrowman (<3) was on 'Les Cages Aux Folles' only last year, so I'm  a bit annoyed I missed him... He is just... awesome :) Ahhhhhhhhhh....
               Mum seems to be much more comfortable with the whole thing now, or at least she hasn't asked anymore about the make-up... I really don't want to talk about it to her though in case I ruin what I have at the moment, which is a bit of a 'Don't ask, Don't tell' system... It would be great to actually have a larger chance to do make-up properly again, unfortunately I don't seem to get any time alone at the moment, but that sould change with the advent of the long summer break! I WILL go and buy some more stuff too, I've gotten past buying stuff now, so I should be ok... I will still need to hide clothes etc though :(.
               I think there are some good times approaching though, I've had an offer of going to a friend's house to simply be Billie for a while, which would be AMAZING!!! :) Her/Their Mum is really, really cool with it too, and has done a lot for me and is quite easily the kindest, most lovely adult I know on a personal level- in fact their entire family has done loads for me recently :). Hopefully this won't change with the changing of schools that is soon to occur. In fact I won't let it, I probably need them more than I let on.
              From the musical 'Les Cages Aux Folles' comes the song 'I am What I am'- which in my opinion is simply the best song ever... It is very relevant to myself, and every GBLT community member really...
If you were to YouTube the David Barrowman/David Engel/George Hearn version you'll d know what I mean. David Barrowman is naturally rather pretty/handsome anyway, but in Drag , he looks rather (very) good!

'Life's not worth a damn, till you can say : Hey World, I am What I am' :)
 (Which is very, very true).

Anyway, I'm off to have another go at smoky eyes... Wish me luck :)

Billie
xxxx

Moving On.

I just want to document something now, so that I can move on from it, something I have been unable to do really, but it is time to, with new schools (with any luck :) approaching.

                                                                      I moved from a fairly big primary School to Bilton High a few years back. It may seem silly to name it, but it was such a dire, terrible school, that it deserves to be named and shamed. Absolutely. That is not just my opinion either- several people left from my class due to the bullying, the resounding lack of pastoral care, the environment created inside it... It was a (Insert strong word here) nightmare. I think you can tell a lot about any school by its Wiki page- but if you look at Bilton's, it mentions changing the discipline system 3 times in a few years. I believe that tells you a lot about the school.
                    I guess I was young, small, and one of the youngest in the year group when I transferred to Bilton. Only two or three people I knew came with me, and we ended up in a form of around 20 odd kids- although class sizes were usually around 30-40. Bilton is a State run (of course, I have nothing at all against that) comprehensive school, and had, if I recall correctly, some 1,400  students- so it was a big school. Anyway, I digress...
                              It started a few weeks in to the  term. My best friend there left due to his own bullying problems, This left me alone, and isolated within the class. However, I was still relatively popular, and the sporty/trendy cliques accepted me for some reason... Despite not being a 'chav', which was the hugely popular thing at the time.  But then things turned sour. One kid in the class just went for me, mentally, physically over a period of weeks, and then a few other lads in the class joined in. I was beaten up (although that I never told my parents, I hid the bruises- I guess I was ashamed), frequently manhandled, punched etc, nasty comments/rumours were constantly said about me... I even managed to be stabbed in the hand by one of them, albeit with a compass, it still damn well hurt though. I tried standing up for myself, but 3 against one is never good odds really. It all reached a peak when two kids chased me out of school, having pulled a pocket knife on me. I was quick fortunately, and made it to the car- but I couldn't control my emotions, and had a proper breakdown in the carpark of a local garden centre. Mum tried to get the school to sort it out, but after a while, they literally just gave up. They actually said 'I'm afraid we cannot guarantee Billy's safety anymore', and I stopped going in. I was an emotional wreck.
 That said I found a new school quickly fortunately, and  moved in there after only one term at Bilton. This is the school I am moving on from now. A found comfort in the fact that heard a few weeks back that main perpetrators is now in Onley Young Offenders. Thank god.

I've looked long and hard at myself, and one question still remains. WHY?
I didn't do anything- that I am sure of. I guess I'll never know.

But It's time to move on.

I'll never speak of it again.

Billie
xxx

Shame

   If its who you are, you shouldn't be ashamed should you? You should be able to hold your head high, and not have to hide. But we do, at least for a while, but then who knows what will happen in the mean time? Loads of food for thought around at the moment, I think its Pride month too :)

Anyway... Mum discovered, whilst going through my stuff for some reason (or perhaps that was the reason), a few make-up bits/bobs.... (Cue the expected lecture)- BUT it never happened.

She merely said that 'is is that gender thing again', and that we could talk about it later... Gave me a hug and walked out :D
Progress :D 

Big Progress :) 

I just need to pluck up the courage to actually speak about it to her again then. :S 

Billie

xxx

Friends

I'll tell you one thing, out of all the things I have learnt since accepting myself.

Close Friends are the most important things ever.
It may be initially hard to tell them, and make sure (for gods sake) you choose the right ones. Use your brain and instincts :)
When you feel down, they bring you back up.
When you're stuck, they offer a solution.
When you hope to try something... they provide it with interest :)

I'm as happy now as I have been for a very long time, all thanks to a close-knit group of friends, who I really don't know what I would do without. :)

Gabby, Thank you for everything, the make-up, the 'counselling' and just the random conversations we end up having :) Plus you saved my life :P
Alex, Thanks for being such a great help, you really helped me to accept myself- something very important to me :) I know, I'll get the walking sorted eventually :)
Alice, I know you have only recently found out but you've still been a great help, advising me on all sorts of girly things already :P Have a great 16th :D

THANK YOU!!!

Anyway, I'm off to have a another go at eye make-up, I'll get it right eventually :).
Billie
xxx

KBO

Hmmm... English Language GCSE done, and for my final piece I wrote a very angry 'inform' article on what I would like to do after GCSEs.
'After GCSEs? I would like a sex change'. Hmmm... It was really angrily written, and I was virtually crying whilst  writing it, but it's original. And truthful. Unique. In theory. Hopefully, it will be all right.

Just a few more weeks and I'm free.
Until then...
KBO



(Never underestimate the power of talking to someone about your real self. It's therapeutic, and effectively saved my life weeks back. I at last have found a direction, of sorts, to head in. Everybody needs a direction.)
Billie xxx

Resurrection

Finally feeling human again, after God knows how long in hospital... Too long. Walsgrave is actually a very good hospital though. Excellent in fact :)

Waterloo Road featured a decent portrayal of a Transgendered young person. This is actually a breakthrough in the UK, particularly in my generation, as Waterloo Road has a relatively large following :) An advancement for the Transgender community.
Anyway....
Little things seem to help in between femme times...
For example, I signed my GCSE papers off as Billie instead of Billy.... Moving towards my eventual goal, which would be a sex change I guess.

BUT!!! The most important thing to have is understanding and close friends... I'd rather have one of these than 100 acquaintances. If you find acceptance from your friends, you will find acceptance within yourself.
Acceptance is Knowledge.
Knowledge is Confidence.
Confidence is Strength.
Strength is The Determination which drives you onwards.
.

Billie
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Whoops!

I do apologise for the lack of posts, I have been rather ill, in and out of hospital for the past 3/4 weeks.
I have also missed 3 out of 5 weeks left until my GCSE exams. Which means I am screwed :(.

I'll get back posting as and when possible.
Thanks for all your support...
Billie xxx