Moving On.

I just want to document something now, so that I can move on from it, something I have been unable to do really, but it is time to, with new schools (with any luck :) approaching.

                                                                      I moved from a fairly big primary School to Bilton High a few years back. It may seem silly to name it, but it was such a dire, terrible school, that it deserves to be named and shamed. Absolutely. That is not just my opinion either- several people left from my class due to the bullying, the resounding lack of pastoral care, the environment created inside it... It was a (Insert strong word here) nightmare. I think you can tell a lot about any school by its Wiki page- but if you look at Bilton's, it mentions changing the discipline system 3 times in a few years. I believe that tells you a lot about the school.
                    I guess I was young, small, and one of the youngest in the year group when I transferred to Bilton. Only two or three people I knew came with me, and we ended up in a form of around 20 odd kids- although class sizes were usually around 30-40. Bilton is a State run (of course, I have nothing at all against that) comprehensive school, and had, if I recall correctly, some 1,400  students- so it was a big school. Anyway, I digress...
                              It started a few weeks in to the  term. My best friend there left due to his own bullying problems, This left me alone, and isolated within the class. However, I was still relatively popular, and the sporty/trendy cliques accepted me for some reason... Despite not being a 'chav', which was the hugely popular thing at the time.  But then things turned sour. One kid in the class just went for me, mentally, physically over a period of weeks, and then a few other lads in the class joined in. I was beaten up (although that I never told my parents, I hid the bruises- I guess I was ashamed), frequently manhandled, punched etc, nasty comments/rumours were constantly said about me... I even managed to be stabbed in the hand by one of them, albeit with a compass, it still damn well hurt though. I tried standing up for myself, but 3 against one is never good odds really. It all reached a peak when two kids chased me out of school, having pulled a pocket knife on me. I was quick fortunately, and made it to the car- but I couldn't control my emotions, and had a proper breakdown in the carpark of a local garden centre. Mum tried to get the school to sort it out, but after a while, they literally just gave up. They actually said 'I'm afraid we cannot guarantee Billy's safety anymore', and I stopped going in. I was an emotional wreck.
 That said I found a new school quickly fortunately, and  moved in there after only one term at Bilton. This is the school I am moving on from now. A found comfort in the fact that heard a few weeks back that main perpetrators is now in Onley Young Offenders. Thank god.

I've looked long and hard at myself, and one question still remains. WHY?
I didn't do anything- that I am sure of. I guess I'll never know.

But It's time to move on.

I'll never speak of it again.

Billie
xxx

Shame

   If its who you are, you shouldn't be ashamed should you? You should be able to hold your head high, and not have to hide. But we do, at least for a while, but then who knows what will happen in the mean time? Loads of food for thought around at the moment, I think its Pride month too :)

Anyway... Mum discovered, whilst going through my stuff for some reason (or perhaps that was the reason), a few make-up bits/bobs.... (Cue the expected lecture)- BUT it never happened.

She merely said that 'is is that gender thing again', and that we could talk about it later... Gave me a hug and walked out :D
Progress :D 

Big Progress :) 

I just need to pluck up the courage to actually speak about it to her again then. :S 

Billie

xxx

Friends

I'll tell you one thing, out of all the things I have learnt since accepting myself.

Close Friends are the most important things ever.
It may be initially hard to tell them, and make sure (for gods sake) you choose the right ones. Use your brain and instincts :)
When you feel down, they bring you back up.
When you're stuck, they offer a solution.
When you hope to try something... they provide it with interest :)

I'm as happy now as I have been for a very long time, all thanks to a close-knit group of friends, who I really don't know what I would do without. :)

Gabby, Thank you for everything, the make-up, the 'counselling' and just the random conversations we end up having :) Plus you saved my life :P
Alex, Thanks for being such a great help, you really helped me to accept myself- something very important to me :) I know, I'll get the walking sorted eventually :)
Alice, I know you have only recently found out but you've still been a great help, advising me on all sorts of girly things already :P Have a great 16th :D

THANK YOU!!!

Anyway, I'm off to have a another go at eye make-up, I'll get it right eventually :).
Billie
xxx

KBO

Hmmm... English Language GCSE done, and for my final piece I wrote a very angry 'inform' article on what I would like to do after GCSEs.
'After GCSEs? I would like a sex change'. Hmmm... It was really angrily written, and I was virtually crying whilst  writing it, but it's original. And truthful. Unique. In theory. Hopefully, it will be all right.

Just a few more weeks and I'm free.
Until then...
KBO



(Never underestimate the power of talking to someone about your real self. It's therapeutic, and effectively saved my life weeks back. I at last have found a direction, of sorts, to head in. Everybody needs a direction.)
Billie xxx

Resurrection

Finally feeling human again, after God knows how long in hospital... Too long. Walsgrave is actually a very good hospital though. Excellent in fact :)

Waterloo Road featured a decent portrayal of a Transgendered young person. This is actually a breakthrough in the UK, particularly in my generation, as Waterloo Road has a relatively large following :) An advancement for the Transgender community.
Anyway....
Little things seem to help in between femme times...
For example, I signed my GCSE papers off as Billie instead of Billy.... Moving towards my eventual goal, which would be a sex change I guess.

BUT!!! The most important thing to have is understanding and close friends... I'd rather have one of these than 100 acquaintances. If you find acceptance from your friends, you will find acceptance within yourself.
Acceptance is Knowledge.
Knowledge is Confidence.
Confidence is Strength.
Strength is The Determination which drives you onwards.
.

Billie
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Whoops!

I do apologise for the lack of posts, I have been rather ill, in and out of hospital for the past 3/4 weeks.
I have also missed 3 out of 5 weeks left until my GCSE exams. Which means I am screwed :(.

I'll get back posting as and when possible.
Thanks for all your support...
Billie xxx

Emotion

                                  It has been a very peculiar week. The usual epic mood changes, from jubilant to suicidal and everything in between, it has been even more of a roller-coaster than last week. At least it is half-term, which promises pointless school work, a trip to the doctors and much boredom, but still, at least I will be able to catch up on sleep. I got 3/4 hours sleep over the last 3 days of school, and collapsed/passed out or something from exhaustion towards the end of the last day, which was a very peculiar experience.
                                       I was wondering, with all the really random/instant mood swings etc, whether there could actually be some sort of scientific proof behind my Transgendered state.My friends do not report moods etc similar to mine.... At least certainly not of the same volume/intensity. I was doing a little bit of research into hormone therapy the other day, and people were saying that Oestrogen HRT (MTF) was giving them really severe mood swings etc. I was wondering that my hormone levels might perhaps be unstable, or something similar... It is probably just wishful thinking, but how much easier would it be to come out to someone with proof as a medical condition? How much more accepting would society be... Urghh, if only!
                                   In popular culture, it was 'Pink Day' at school on Friday, in order to raise money for the UK's Breast Cancer charity. It was a fun day, and I imagine a few people would think that I missed out on an opportunity to be myself. I beg to differ. The usual sporty egotistical kids came in sporting pink tutus and things, but I do not fit into this group, therefore I would have stuck out like a sore thumb. To be honest, I do not fit into a group, I am always... 'drifting' on the edge.  It was a fun day, but I still felt really uncomfortable, in fact, I would have rather have not gone in to school. I found myself defending or protesting against certain comments made it was unreal, I had to bite my tongue several times to stop myself from blurting out a proper argument that would have revealed me as Billie.  As much as I would have liked to have been Billie, I couldn't.
                                   Mum still does not accept it... she has called me 'pathetic' 3 times in the past day. I don't get how she can say 'being gay is fine etc' beforehand, but upon revealing myself as Billie, she just shuns me. her anger levels have gone through the roof at me. I just wish she would understand. I know it is hard on her, but still... If she did research of some kind perhaps she would know what I, like so many other young Transgendered people worldwide are going through. It is NOT A PHASE. IT IS WHO I AM!
                                   I get this overriding feeling that I am not going to reach A-levels, that I just won't make it. I just get so down, there is just so much hurt inside me. So many questions. I am beginning to lose sight of the light, I can just feel it slipping away. I just need to be me.                        
I will go to the doctors on Wednesday if it is the last thing I do, incorporating advice kindly given by members of Warwick Pride. I hope it goes well, because this feels like the last throw of the dice.

Billie x

'What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us'
Groucho Marx

And Also, Just a religious thought: 'There is neither Jew nor Greek, neither slave nor free, neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus'
Galatians 3:28