Hey!

Hello Folks!

I am only 15 years old, and live in a rural area of the UK. I have known about my gender issues for years, but I have never been willing to tell anyone about them, that is, until now.
Basically, I was born a male, but I generally believe that a genetic error occurred at during fertilization or something, for I see myself as a girl. This is quite a big step for me, as there are many things that I feel I need to say that I cannot tell my 'friends'.
If you are new to all of this, there is something called the 'Benjamin Scale', which attempts to determine your gender/sexual orientation via certain criteria. It is used to try and establish the difference between being Transsexual, Transvestic etc. However, you must be aware that this will never be clear cut, the lines are often blurry when 'diagnosing' yourself. I fall into type 4 on this scale, however, I also have tendencies from type 6 etc.

I have found that it is near impossible around my age to be your true self. I am lucky in that I go to a small school, but even there, there are certain people who would make life a misery if I were to reveal to them my true self. I have already been bullied badly once, It is something I certainly do not need again- nor does anyone. No-one should have to experience bullying, but it happens. It appears to be a fact ion today's society.

I believe that having Gender Issues at his age is one of the hardest things anyone can go through, because Society will likely never accept us.

                      I don't know how, but I knew from around the age of 8, that I was not normal. I had a fascination with girl's clothes, and women in general. I longed to be one. I distinctly remember walking into the Girls's changing area at junior school because I knew myself and knew that I posed the girl's no risk. However, this girls's didn't know that, and the teacher chucked me out immediately. I was only after my shoes (The girls changing room was also our locker room)! Then there was the time when I used to Crossdress a little, but my mother caught me, and shouted the house down at me. This stopped me for a while, but I knew that there was something deeper. At my current age, It all made sense. My friends introduced me to Porn and other ghastly components of the internet. However, upon watching it for a while, I realised that I was not enjoying it in the normal sense.. I wanted to be the woman, if you get my drift. As a rule I dislike/hate men- I'm not gay, I'm anything but, although I have no qualms with any member of LGBT rainbow. But the woman- I didn't want her, I wanted to be her. I surmised that I was a transgendered Lesbian or something similar. Yes, I know I am more than slightly screwed up.

After 6 years of hiding everything, it all became too much for me. I became really depressed last month and was ready to end it all, however, Mother's have a knack at realising something was up.We had an hour long family discussion, but I could not find it in me to reveal what was up- I just couldn't.On the other hand, the conversation stopped me from topping myself, which I guess is a good thing!

   Then I saw an opportunity open up. We had to create a music video at school for media studies. I then realised that there was no chance of getting completely dressed up for it, however, the song we ended up with featured the potential theme of a one night stand. I decided to try and get some Red female underwear for it. I have a friend who helped me out in this department (she was later to become the closest friend I have had ever- I know I my not be to her, but she certainly is to me!), who lent me some (unworn) Red, lacy underwear. She told me that I could do whatever we needed to do with them, provided it was not 'dirty'. I like to see myself as a decent Guy/Girl and would honestly never dream of doing such a thing! I decided to try them on... I guess this was the recent catalyst which sparked my whole gender identity thing all over again... I got her approval to do this, and they fit perfectly. I wanted to go one step further though, I 'came out' to her via texting. It was horrible, hard and I was really nervous, but I did it, and she has been extremely understanding and helpful to date.  She literally is a lifesaver, I 'cannot stress enough' as our French teacher would say, how indebted I am to her and grateful I am.

I also came out to my mother, after bullying myself to do it. However, she did not seem to really accept it, and the overall vibe I am getting from her is that I am too young to think like this etc. This is a shame, but I know who I am, not her. In order to feel as feminine as I can during school days etc, I have shaved my legs... They feel amazing, I recommend this to any cross dresser/effeminate person!

I am taking a huge jump next week though. I am going to go out, and buy my own stuff. make-up, lingerie, skirts, tights, dresses... I don't really care what I anyone thinks about me. I just know who I am, and I fully intend to be that person in the future. You have a right to be yourself, and no-one can take that away from you.

Knowledge Is Confidence.

Billie x