It has been a very peculiar week. The usual epic mood changes, from jubilant to suicidal and everything in between, it has been even more of a roller-coaster than last week. At least it is half-term, which promises pointless school work, a trip to the doctors and much boredom, but still, at least I will be able to catch up on sleep. I got 3/4 hours sleep over the last 3 days of school, and collapsed/passed out or something from exhaustion towards the end of the last day, which was a very peculiar experience.
I was wondering, with all the really random/instant mood swings etc, whether there could actually be some sort of scientific proof behind my Transgendered state.My friends do not report moods etc similar to mine.... At least certainly not of the same volume/intensity. I was doing a little bit of research into hormone therapy the other day, and people were saying that Oestrogen HRT (MTF) was giving them really severe mood swings etc. I was wondering that my hormone levels might perhaps be unstable, or something similar... It is probably just wishful thinking, but how much easier would it be to come out to someone with proof as a medical condition? How much more accepting would society be... Urghh, if only!
In popular culture, it was 'Pink Day' at school on Friday, in order to raise money for the UK's Breast Cancer charity. It was a fun day, and I imagine a few people would think that I missed out on an opportunity to be myself. I beg to differ. The usual sporty egotistical kids came in sporting pink tutus and things, but I do not fit into this group, therefore I would have stuck out like a sore thumb. To be honest, I do not fit into a group, I am always... 'drifting' on the edge. It was a fun day, but I still felt really uncomfortable, in fact, I would have rather have not gone in to school. I found myself defending or protesting against certain comments made it was unreal, I had to bite my tongue several times to stop myself from blurting out a proper argument that would have revealed me as Billie. As much as I would have liked to have been Billie, I couldn't.
Mum still does not accept it... she has called me 'pathetic' 3 times in the past day. I don't get how she can say 'being gay is fine etc' beforehand, but upon revealing myself as Billie, she just shuns me. her anger levels have gone through the roof at me. I just wish she would understand. I know it is hard on her, but still... If she did research of some kind perhaps she would know what I, like so many other young Transgendered people worldwide are going through. It is NOT A PHASE. IT IS WHO I AM!
I get this overriding feeling that I am not going to reach A-levels, that I just won't make it. I just get so down, there is just so much hurt inside me. So many questions. I am beginning to lose sight of the light, I can just feel it slipping away. I just need to be me.
I will go to the doctors on Wednesday if it is the last thing I do, incorporating advice kindly given by members of Warwick Pride. I hope it goes well, because this feels like the last throw of the dice.
Billie x
'What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us'
Groucho Marx
And Also, Just a religious thought: 'There is neither Jew nor Greek, neither slave nor free, neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus'
Galatians 3:28
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