The end is nigh?

Terrible weekend.
All we can do is fight and argue in our house it seems.
Yet I am the one who tried to show them who I am. It is not my parents fault, nor can they do anything about it whatsoever. It is no-ones fault, but a genetic malfunction way back.

To be blunt, I just want to end it all. But how are you mean't to? Jumping? Drowning? Fire? Suffocation? Overdosing? I have the balls. I just want to plan it, so it has as little effect as possible- It will effect people, but I won't be missed. I will hopefully be remembered as a decent person... have a decent legacy and all that. I will write letters to everybody I know, obviously. It could take some time though.I guess It is almost planned out in my head. Dressed as my usual self, but underneath dressed as my true self. Completely shaven also. I wish not to upset anybody, just to disappear, although that is not easy, almost impossible in fact. I have few friends to be honest, but many acquaintances, so there should be little problem there. Few people read this page, so I feel secure here. perhaps one day someone will highlight this blog as evidence of some sort of failure in the government support to the young, with GBLT orientations etc.  I have not properly smiled in weeks. Not laughed, nor been happy in years. Why should I stay, perhaps God or Allah or whoever will accept me somewhere.
It amuses me, acting, but I am fed up of it. Christ, I could probably get an oscar by now, i have been acting no-stop for years now. I am not impenetrable, no one is. I have never suffered gender abuse, very few people know, The Nicking alchohol family aside (slightly cryptic, you can do the math :P) , who have been fantastic to me- this was already pre determined. I am sorry, I truly am. More in a letter to you though. There is loads to say. Thank you both, and your mother- Just thank you.
Reasons: My Self. The Civil War in my head. The fact that I am a girl, trapped in a boy's body- I know I will never be able to be myself properly. What hope is there? Yes, you probably wish you hadn't of read that. I'm now being cynical, but hey. I am suicidal, perhaps i can pull through this. or not.
I don't want help. This is the way it is mean't to be. If there is no suitable, accommodating society to live in out there, without having to live in shame or depression. Why should I?
I might try and see the doctor perhaps. Or not. Would probably get sectioned under the mental Health act.
This is turning into a suicide note, so I will leave this here. Whether I do it or not, it shows I need to sort myself out quickly.
This is Billie, signing off for what may be the last time.
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